Thursday, 22 September 2011

We could've had it all...

I've read that people write their best when they're in pain. True. Pain is the creativity hormone. I've read some authors at their best when they were in pain(Virginia Wolf,Alice Walker). I guess pain opens the doors to our heart and we no more care to guard our secrets. I've always been a pain freak. I can't stand happiness for long. It just seems too frivolous. But pain has always been easier because I had someone to blame. But when the cause of your pain is the cause of your relief itself,you've no one to fall back on. And that's how 'she' emptied the luggage she had been carrying for three years.You all must be familiar with 'her' by now.She's dramatic,philosophical,complicated,thoughtful,stupid and probably every thing else.Really,there's almost no adjective apart from 'pretty' that doesn't suit her. It all started three years back.She met this guy who really liked her,who really cared for her and he was the only man she has ever met who loved her for what she was.He didn't want to change her.But like I said,'complicated' is her middle name.So,she messed up this seemingly perfect love story.Actually,now when I sit back and think,she probably wasn't in LOVE with him.But definitely,he was much,much,more than 'just another friend'.He was special from the very beginning.He was the only person who never hurt her.He treated her like a delicate flower,always careful,always tender.No,they didn't date.They just happened to share a very,very special friendship.And yes,I'll repeat,he was the only person who never hurt her.Until that night.What happened that night?Actually,nothing.Two people were talking over phone.One LOVED 'Slumdog millionaire',the other one didn't.You might have guessed by now who LOVED it and who didn't.He was saying that India has been shown in a poor light over there and they're earning money by basically showing the rest of the world an India that's not India at all,it's a part of India and they're projecting India as a glamorously poor country because rich people don't want to see movies on rich people.He was arguing that if Danny Boyle sees the poverty of 'Dharavi',then how come he doesn't see the wealth of Park Street?Has he not researched enough or did he just choose to ignore some of the outcomes of his research?And she was blindly defending the movie.She was saying how it worked for her.He said,'Maybe for you,not for me.'And he hung up and never called again.You see,the story isn't as simple as that.'Slumdog millionaire' hardly played a part in it.She had been trying to avoid him for a while.She had told him that her family didn't like him.So,she couldn't be friends with him which was completely untrue.She was just too scared to face herself,to come to terms with her own feelings.She liked him,undoubtedly.But she thought she didn't like him enough to give him her word.And he deserved better than an open relationship.There couldn't be a better excuse than family problem.Everything seemed to fall in place and he was gone,just like that.He cared for her way too much to create any problem in her family.He didn't even say good bye.She waited,waited and waited.She didn't know what she was waiting for.She didn't expect him to return.She didn't WANT him to return.She wanted him gone,for once and for all.She wanted him to meet someone else,get married and live happily ever after.But you see,people leave but the memories remain.It's easy to forget someone but it's not easy to forget how he made you feel,how he called you every night,how he came to meet you with flowers whenever you were ill,how he gave you a rose every day,hidden in a box so that no one could see(since they weren't dating,it might be embarrassing for her,he thought),how he always thought of you whenever he went anywhere and never forgot to bring a gift.He was a habit of hers.Being around him made her feel so safe!She was always her usual self,she never had to pretend to like anything or agree even if she didn't.So,she kept missing him.She was a little mad at him too.She didn't want to be the first one to go and break the ice.She knew he would never do that as well.He says he was ashamed of himself.He thought she hated him and didn't want to have anything to do with him.Years passed by.He met someone else,they fell in love and everything worked out perfectly.But he says he never forgot her.He kept track of her,always.She believes him.Life was going on fine.She was comfortable feeling a heady cocktail of hatred,anger,love,pain and indifference for him.He was comfortable being a good boyfriend to her girlfriend.Till he decided to make things normal and threw a passing comment at her.All hell broke loose.She couldn't control all that she had been holding up all these years.First she said something sarcastic,then she confronted him,then she cried.He tried to comfort her in every possible way but three years is a long time.And it feels longer when it's too late.She never thought it'd take her an innocent remark to realize how much he meant for her.But really,she still doesn't want a relationship.She knows it'd take all the charm out of it.It'd turn them into one of those plain couples.All the extraordinary passion would be gone.She has always been obsessed with pain.And pain never felt so beautiful,so peaceful.It's almost as if she wants to fall asleep so that pain can take care of her like a doting mother,wrapping her child in a blanket,making sure that her fingers aren't outside the blanket.She wants this pain to suck her in,like an Octopus,making sure not even the slightest of her tears spills over.And for the first time in three years,she feels alive.She hasn't felt this much for a while.There are so many emotions crowding her mind that she sometimes has to push them down.She just can't help one thing-wondering what would have happened if she had felt it back then and if she had been brave enough to acknowledge it and most importantly,say it out loud.Could they have had it all?But I guess that's a question she'll never get the answer of.And these uncertain feelings are what makes it so beautiful.And this is what will keep her creative juices flowing,hopefully.


  1. yes i also think that when there is pain and sorrow, one creativity is at peak... the true feelings...the mind working on ideas unthinkable in the normal situation :)

  2. @Krishna and Muhammad,thanks.Yeah,it's a very personal post.