Tuesday, 27 December 2011

The countdown begins...

And the countdown begins.Of lost causes and hidden failures.Of faded achievements and irrelevant appreciations.Of broken relationships and newly formed bonds.Of dreams never fulfilled and plans never materialized.2011 has been one hell of a year for me!Some highlights-

I turned blogger!
                           Yes,this is the very year I started this whole new world of mine.Blogging not only made me a bigger and better person but also taught me to be selfless,uninhibited,confident and AWESOME!This space is so personal to me that I feel almost choked if I try to talk about it.Now I know why women go through all the pain to give birth.It's totally worth it.I'm 21 and a mom already!The name of my child?sold-for-shoes-overweight-intellectual-dancer.blogspot.com.

I broke up with dance
                                   Had you told me anything remotely close to the above mentioned statement a few years back,I'd have beaten you to death.Yes,I was that passionate about dance.But things happen,you can't help them,right?Somehow,the bond didn't prove to be worth all the passion and intensity.I DO love dance,undoubtedly and will continue to do so as long as I live(no one can predict future but that's what I plan to do)but the failures don't bother me any more.I know I don't have what it takes to be THE dancer and I've grown oddly comfortable with this fact.However,I know I'm a decent dancer when it comes to my style and that's why I was never rejected at the first round in any audition.So,what the hell?You gotta choose your battles.You win some,you lose some.That doesn't make you a loser.I'll join my contemporary classes again(after April,I guess). I never stopped going to my Kathak classes.So,life's good.

I learned to let go
                             Something really important happened this year which taught me THE lesson of life.Someone really special came back to me to renew our friendship.I did something terrible to purposely hurt him and he left me because he was too hurt to forgive.I was inconsolable for a few days but then,I learned to accept it silently.I don't know how I managed to hold my composure but at the end of it,I'm glad that it happened because I came out a stronger person.He'll always be special,no matter what he thinks.But my heart no more skips a beat the moment I hear(or see) his name.Is this what they call 'attaining closure'?

I got a job!
                 Yes,it was nowhere in my list of activities but for an Engineer,life seems pretty scary without a job in the final year.I didn't exactly work my ass off since I was busy with other stuff but I DID work hard and it felt good to be appreciated.And the promise of twenty thousand bucks doesn't hurt at all!

I had a year long intellectual orgasm
                                                            I know my CAT was a joke and so will be XAT but preparing for these exams have been such a learning experience that at the end of the year,I don't even feel like I went in there to crack these.As they say,it's about how much you learn.Exams come and go,they matter the least.I always thought they were pure cliches but I actually got to feel it throughout the whole year.Not only was I blessed with THE BEST teacher I've ever seen(and my friend,philosopher,guide),for the first time in years,something really interested me and pushed me.Every VA class(specially R.C and essay classes)was so intense that I was almost left emotionally drained after it!It was undoubtedly one of the best experiences of my life!Thank you Sanket sir for making me believe in myself again.You'll always be special too.I don't have enough words to thank you but I hope you know how you've changed my life.

                                                                                                                                 2011 was all about it and more.It was such an eventful year that one post is just not enough for it.But life moves on.So,no matter how much I loved 2011,it has to go.And I'm ready to embrace 2012 with equal gusto.

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Jingle bells fading away...

That's how it comes and goes,every year.I make these big plans that never really materialize into actions.Okay,my cake was marginally better than previous years but it looked horrendous!Nothing was raw inside and that's a HUGE achievement for someone like me!Of course it wasn't pretty!I'm no Nigella Lawson,am I?It looked almost like a piece of pie topped with an exceptionally flattened omelette.It looked almost savory!The taste?Holy shit!Nothing was burnt,luckily.But it tasted less like a cake,more like suji(semolina)with dry fruits,orange zest,vanilla essence,orange juice and a LOT of butter thrown in.But my family was sweet enough to gulp it all down with a straight face.Thank you,guys!I love you all a lot more now.
                                                                                                This Christmas was nothing special for me.I went out with a few friends and roamed around like a zombie.I was finally planning to wear my one and only boots today but they decided to commit suicide at the last moment.Who knew suede was so delicate?Lesson learned.So,had to switch to these silver grey shoes at the last moment.I've gained a little weight,thanks to all the festive indulgences.Wearing a Santa cap took care of the rest and bam!You've the cutest she Santa around!.
          Suhel Seth had tweeted last night that no city celebrates Christmas with as much passion as Kolkata does.True.The lights,the carnivals,the merry faces,the Santas at every corner of the street literally force one to shake all their miseries off.I'll say this is the best time to work on an evident,long due break up because it's WAY easier to deal with your heartache with all the festivities happening around.Postponing it just for the sake of being together in Christmas,New Year and Winter(yes,even that's a festival for the Kolkatans.We LOVE Winter!Read picnics,visits to the zoo,museum,Victoria Memorial,circus,book fair,Bidhannagar mela and all the other fairs at Nalban,Milan mela grounds etc.,enjoying a ride at Race course,gorging on various meat delicacies and all kinds of sweets made with Nolen gur and what not)will make your life a lot harder later.Anyway,how's everybody doing?Hope you all had a great time.And till the first week of Jan,all the posts will be picture heavy and low on content.The meaningful posts will start after that.Is anybody complaining?

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Final solution

Yes.yes,yes,shopping always does it to me.No matter what happens to me,no matter what miseries life present me with,I can proudly say that shopping SOLVES IT ALL! ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! Yes,a Jhumpa Lahiri book does too but that's different.Most of the time,it makes me cry and washes all the pain away.It's the easiest detox possible.But you need a room,quiet surroundings(no parents to shout,"E ki,baban kadcho keno?Rough translation-what happened,why're you crying?),no work,no skincare regime to follow,no outfit posts to take care of(In fact,the lesser you get out of home,the better)...only then,it might work.On the other hand,shopping is the easy way out.Dress up in the comfiest clothes possible and SHOP TILL YOU DROP.A few clicks in between and bam!Was I upset?Really?
                                                                                            Christmas plans...ummm...I'll probably have the GD-PI class at IMS since the post-CAT torture session is kick starting from this Sat.I'm not complaining though.I've missed Sanket sir,A LOT!And it's time I get to lust after him,again. The class will be over around 4 or 4:30.Then I might go to the Park Street carnival and if things go according to our plan,I might have alcohol breath on my way back.I've not had a single drink since July!Give me some credit,people!And 'make your own cake' plan is very much on.Will do it on 24th and if it turns out decent,will share a picture over here too.Merry Christmas to all of you in advance.Have a great weekend ahead.Love.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle all the way...

Dear Santa,
                 gone are the years when I used to ask for a never ending chocolate fountain,magic lamps,stockings and dancing frocks in all possible colors,boyfriends who'd sing songs to me-with their arms outstretched,Shahrukh Khan style.As you might have noticed over the years,I've even stopped asking per se.I was just happy that you hadn't forgotten me and paid me a yearly visit in spite of being so freakishly busy-sometimes with a book,sometimes with a bag I've been eyeing  for a long time or sometimes with just another box of chocolates I'll never get over.I always wanted to stay up all night so that I could finally see you,even if for once but you always managed to trick me into sleeping,some way or the other.I've always been able to relate to you personally.We both were overweight,full of life,unappreciated,lonely and caring.I was a huge fan of your cap and used to buy one every year,religiously!
                                                                                       But then,this year,I've something to ask for,for a change.I hope you don't mind.I've been going through a personal crisis and have been trying every trick in the book to get over it-hanging out with my girlfriends,shopping,eating until my stomach explodes,cooking,reading,watching movies and even keeping myself busy by talking to other people so that those who're not supposed to pop up in my mind can rest in peace.I'm even planning to get drunk on Christmas too though I'm currently a little low on cash and if you ask me to choose between the fantastic camel bag and a beer,I'll probably go for the bag.Anyway,enough with the small talk.Now,unlike my previous requests,this one's a little 'not so materialistic'. I need you to give me a little brains so that I can decide what's good for me and what's not.I need you to give me a little patience so that I can think twice before jumping into anything.And more than everything else,I need you to make me strong enough to handle all the difficulties life has to offer.In addition to that,if you make me a little more uninhibited so that I can click pictures for the blog on the middle of the road without hesitating,it'd be great.I'm so self-obsessed,no?Always talking about myself,always thinking about ways to make my life better...yeah,it DID occur to me after someone pointed it out to me this week.And I'll be keeping it in my mind while making a list of my new year resolutions.

                                                                                                                                                Anyway,hope you've been doing great.Take care and merry Christmas in advance!
                                                                                                     Coming back to the outfit,it's one of the humblest things I've worn in say,the past two months!This jute bag had been lying under the heap and gathering dust for a long time before I finally noticed it and decided to give it its due recognition.I loved the orange detailing on the border and while it might not be fit for a glamorous night out,I DO see myself carrying it with a few down-to-earth ensembles.The grey pants turned out to be quite different from what I had expected but still,I love them a lot,thanks to the color and the high waist.And about these kolhapuris,'nuff said.The tangerine headband is one of life's simplest pleasures and the chunky green watch is my new BFF.And did I forget to say anything about my white shirt?I bet you don't want me to start again.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Heartbreak and Co.

It is that time of the year again(or maybe for the last time) when I lay my heart down on your path so that you can crush it again and make me feel useful(not used).But this time it was different.I lost you because of my own stupid,stupid blunders(not that you were mine to begin with). You can never forgive me,I know.But I can never forgive myself too.I can take your hatred,even that's 'feeling' for me but it hurts the most when you say you don't feel anything and you're perfectly all right.You know how much you matter.But when you crushed my heart,you didn't even pay attention to the slightly crinkly noise it made under your shoes-the last cry of the darkened,poisoned heart of a sinner .Just because a convict deserves the death sentence,it doesn't mean they want to die.A real judge is the one who feels bad for the convict without changing the sentence.It's been a beautiful journey so far(despite all the bitterness because I cherish even them)and now that it's over,even I'm lost for words when I think about it(and you say I'm good with my words!What a fucking joke!). The end of the road is never pretty and I'm not surprised that I feel like being in neck deep garbage with your words floating all around.I'm just glad that I stuck long enough to get a sigh and a highly sarcastic apology(your first apology ever.Wow!) from you("I'm really sorry.I never talk to girls like this but I've to.",did you mean it?I wonder.). I've so many things to thank you for...where do I start?Thank you for teaching me that pain can be so extraordinarily beautiful-sharp,crisp,intriguing,invigorating but oddly calming at the same time.I bite my lips,sometimes hoping it'll make it easy to bear THE PAIN,sometimes simply because it's so perversely pleasurable.How do I define love,you asked.I had no definitions.But you know what,I do now.I define love as the evil who makes me do something completely out of my character,makes me do something that really deserves all your lash out(and maybe more) and then forces me to sit through the most insulting hour of my whole freakin' life.You've never been gentle with me,you never pampered me.But you know what,you were never THAT rude too.I couldn't take it any more.It didn't go to my heart,it went straight to my brain and froze it in no time.I was shaking.There was a flurry of emotions.I've never felt so much in such a short time!But the intensity of all the mixed feelings left me numb.But I knew it was my last shot and boy,did I try my best!I had troubles remembering words but I still kept begging.I had to.I knew once you were gone,it was closed,I was dead.I wanted to live."I don't feel anything any more,not even hatred",you told me.When it was over,for once and for all,strangely,I discovered-I don't feel anything too.There's just this void that refuses to go away.In the past,concentrating on other stuff and keeping myself occupied have really helped me to get over THE PAIN.But now toh,even that doesn't work.
                                                                                                                                          The path to your heart(no matter how narrow it was) is closed,forever.I'm not dumb enough to doubt that.My heart does feel orphaned.Because it didn't plan an alternate route.I thought I needed so little resources that I could be there forever without bothering you-you won't even know I was there.But obviously,I should have taken nothing for granted.Beggars aren't allowed on every pavement.That doesn't mean those beggars are asking for too much.I wish you slipped a few clues in before leaving.After all,you knew what was best for me,always.And I screwed myself only when I stopped listening to you and tried to act smart instead.I can still feel every second of that fateful day(was it a day or days?I'm getting old too.And fiction has mixed with fact so perfectly that it's hard to remember what happened and what I hallucinated) under my skin.The memories are THAT fresh.

                                                                                              "In fact,it would be a crime to depict them as memories".

You  don't want my version,you don't want to have anything to do with me but I'll still say,I didn't plan this.I didn't want you to feel the way you felt and only God knows how THAT made me feel.I was stupid,I was selfish but I didn't want to hurt you,ever.You made a promise,I'll promise you something in return too.I'll move on,no matter what.I owe it to you so that you get rid of the last possible blame.You'll always be a part of my life,like a vestigial organ that serves no purpose apart from hurting you silently,in some way or the other.But I owe it to you to give love another chance(or maybe a few more chances)so that no one can blame you for ruining my life.I'll live,I'll be fine.I'll let you know when that happens,even if you choose to ignore it as a  spam
                                                                                    "I cry because it makes sense,
                                                                                      I smile because I get sick of crying.
                                                                                      These are the only two emotions I'm left with,
                                                                                       you took the rest."

And like we both say,"all of a sudden and it's truly ironic."

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

It's the journey that counts

The outfit Meher adored

The first picture from my first ever outfit post(on color blocking)

The second picture from the same post
'Blogging is a roller coaster ride',I remember my blogging idol Tanvii saying long back.I did get her point and being the highly opinionated person that I'm,offered my 'honest feedback' too.But I never thought about it on a personal level.I figured such issues were limited to only celeb bloggers like her.
                                                                                                                     Almost a month back,my last post before semester had an interesting comment.Meher of Translucid graffiti said,"Hey. Frankly I've never warmed up to the fashion in your blog, but since it's your personal style, and as long as you like it, who am I to judge, eh? But I absolutely adore what you're wearing there, and I really felt I must comment, since I loved your ensemble. And you're a pretty girl, and this post made me realize you have a way with words too."The comment had huge impact on me,not because I've managed to win a critic over(even if temporarily) but because it made me think how far I've come.Almost a year back,I was a good-for-nothing Engineering student,crashing and burning with my dancing dream,trying to gather enough courage to start a blog of my own.Sharing a piece of your life with the big,bad world on a regular basis can be scary.Also,it's a huge commitment.I wasn't sure if I was up for it.But I had a lot to say and I didn't want to go the  good old diary way.I consoled myself thinking since I'm exactly the opposite of 'popular',my blog will basically be limited to a few close friends.Why prepare myself to write something only my near and dear ones will see?Then came the scarier part.Taking photographs.My life is pretty mundane and boring and while I do hang out with my friends at least once in a week(many bloggers take pictures in the malls,on the road or in the restaurants),I'm too shy to take pictures of myself,in the middle of the road.My place isn't a cameraman's delight and worse,I don't even have a DSLR!None of my friends(the ones I see regularly,that is)has a passion for photography.At first,there were awkward requests.I did try to sound cool and nonchalant as if it's not something I need but just a passing request.At times,they forgot and I was too shy to remind them at the end of the day that they hadn't taken the picture they had promised to take in just a minute.I DID want it to be a personalized blog.So,I didn't want it to be full of only pictures downloaded from the internet.But at the same time,I didn't want to compete with all the pretty and amazingly well-dressed fashion bloggers out there because I knew it was a losing game.They were way ahead of me and to be honest,I didn't even know anything about fashion to begin with,let alone implementing them in my wardrobe!My first outfit post was horrendous,fashion wise!And the worst part?I was giving fashion advice in it!Yeah,even I laugh at myself when I think about it.But then,I was blessed with such good friends!They would take any piece of shit from me and never complain!After a few disasters,I kind of got the hang of it.I thought what I was best at-being myself.I figured out who I stood for-the so called ugly,uncool girls who had no dressing sense.I wanted to show them that there's an alternative to blue sweaters,over sized denims,flip flops and backpacks.Sure,you can't look like a million bucks but you can look decent and feel good about yourself.Meher,mine wasn't a fashion blog,it still isn't and hopefully never will be.So,my fashion sense would never be 'fashionable'.If I've been able to become 'tolerable' from 'hideous',it's a huge achievement for me.Having said that,you've full right to criticize me the way you want.Just because it's personal style,doesn't mean you're no one to judge.If I've been bold enough to share a slice of my life with the rest of the world,I should be gutsy enough to accept others' point of view.Because,when you share anything personal on a public platform,it no longer remains personal.So,please don't hesitate to speak your heart out if you ever visit my blog again,you'll be more than welcome.I don't want to be surrounded by praise,constructive criticism keeps one grounded.
                                                                        So far,it's been an incredible journey.Blogging has proved to be one of my most satisfying hobbies.I've never believed in reaching destinations.I always thought it's the journey that matters.It's the people you meet on the way,it's the experiences you share with them,it's the stories you get to know from them.No relationship lasts forever.We've come to the world alone and we'll go alone.No matter who I'm surrounded by when I die,I'll be as alone as a ghost on my way to the dark alley of death.People'll comfort me to make my journey a little less painful,they won't sacrifice their life to accompany me.So,life isn't about forming lifelong bonds,at least my life isn't.It's all about working on a collage-collecting the fragments and pasting them to perfection.I learn something or the other from every experience.So,I've no regrets.People come and go,I try to remember them by the golden moments we shared,not the ugly fights we were part of.So,I don't think what my blog will look like after ten years,how it'll end,if I'll be able to give it the farewell it deserves,if people will turn up for it or it'll be forgotten like it never existed.I live in the present.I take things the way they're.Life is too short to predict.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

back to blogging

Life surprises you in the most amazing ways,and specially when you expect it the least.That's why I feel lucky to be alive.Or that's what my facebook status reads.I've not blogged for a long time.So,it DOES feel a little awkward.Almost like when you see a loved one after a long time and don't know where to start.You try to make it easy starting with small talk,no?Well,so,my exams went average and I couldn't be more proud of myself!This year was tough for me,with campus interviews,CAT and then semester,back to back.So,I hardly got time to study.And I'm just glad that I've a good chance of passing decently.
                                                                 Ummm...what else?A devastating fire shook the slums of Dhakuria early this week.One of the most well-known private health care centers of Kolkata was on fire.The fire started around 2 a.m. and continued for hours.The patients kept burning alive.There were people from eight to eighties.Some had their hands and legs tied up(yeah,they were being 'treated',I might remind you),some couldn't talk,some were in coma.Worlds came crashing down around me but I kept sleeping in the warmth of my blanket.Humanity cries,once again,and we choose to ignore it,as usual.However,there were a few bravehearts which proves that our city,even now,isn't dead.Two students of La Marts Boys' chose not to catch the action on their TV and go tsst tsst and decided to go to the venue and help in every possible way instead.
                I've not been in touch with the world lately.A lot has happened,a lot is about to happen and I feel a little lost.That's why I hate exams.It throws you off track,it costs you your morning newspaper and weekend family movie.However,it also makes you realise how much you love the life you have and therefore,you stop complaining.I've a lot to catch up on.The outfit posts will start from Thursday,hopefully!Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still very much alive.Sorry for the boreness quotient of this post.It was meant to be more of a personal note than a post.A pretty ambitious post is on its way but my closet looks like shit and I've to shop a little for that one.I'm a little low on cash too,at this moment.So,don't know how long it'll take.But my b'day is coming and I'm already telling people 'what I need'.So,hopefully,a few gifts will help me with the post I'm planning for.On a parting note,
                               "we never left,we never stopped,we never fell out of love.
                                 If that's not good enough for you to start,maybe it was in my head.
                                We became 'you and I' long ago."
                                                                                  It's for a very special friend of mine.I don't know if he'll ever take a look at it but if he does,I know he'll understand.Take care and have a good day.