Thursday, 15 September 2011

Running away...

And finally,it's here.She found it really easy to kind of shoo the thoughts away till now.But with every passing day,she feels the stress right under her skin.What if she doesn't get in?What if her so-called enemies get in before her?She couldn't care less about earning money.If anything,she didn't want to earn so soon.It felt oddly mature,it felt like growing up so much that you could never go back to being 'just a student'.And she wasn't ready to give up having 'phuchka' in front of 'Dakshinapan' so soon.She could still live in her backpack.She still had so many classes to bunk,so many teachers to fall for,so many joints to smoke.Life had just started for her.
                                                                                                                                               But at the same time,she wanted to make her parents proud.She has been fighting a long-lost battle since she was born.She knows she isn't the daughter they had wanted.They knew they weren't exactly her dream parents.But nonetheless,she loved them.They had sacrificed a lot to put her into a decent school,afford her shopping sprees and hangouts with her friends.They had a hard time buying her the course books but they never said 'no' to her when she wanted to buy every new entry on the fiction rack of Crossword.She owed them this much.After all they have done for her,the last thing they deserve is a public humiliation.
                                                                                                                                              She didn't think much for herself.She was yet to figure things out.She wasn't sure what she wanted from life.She has a few ideas though.It should contain the words 'free-spirited','creativity','fun','no rules','reading a lot' and 'writing a lot'.But she was yet to give it a name.
                                                         Things came too soon.Almost in no time.Sometimes she wonders if she chose the right path at all.English had been the plan all along.But then she thinks of having to read all the other subjects meant for the 'Arts' people and write(read vomit)them all down.That's not the life she'd have felt comfortable in.But then,nor is Circuit Theory.She loved English,she loved History.They talked to her,gave her goosebumps,but only when she wasn't reading them for an exam.
                                                                                          Sometimes,she wanted to scream.Maybe it'd get all the pain,indecision,confusion and guilt out of her system,she thinks.Maybe she'd be able to go back to her normal life-going to dance class,hating her college papers,reading,shopping and blogging.But then,the world feels just too quiet.She dares not disturb it.She remembers walking on her tip toes,making sure that her grandpa didn't wake up,back in childhood.It's like grandpas all over the world,again.

                                                                                                                             Sometimes,she hates herself.She hates herself for not being fond of the things her friends are.She hates herself for not wanting the same things her friends do.She hates herself for being so drastically different.She hates herself for not being talented enough to make the rest of the world give a damn.She hates herself for dreaming and then not having the guts to make them come true.She hates herself for being 'her'...


  1. that was nicely expressed.. happens every time babe and with many of us .. stop thinking about others and concentrate on the job at hand.. campussing is easy..dont worry .. enjoy the thrill and the experience

  2. Everything will pass but NEVER should She hate herself.. NEVER :)
    love to you sweetie.. puja shopping over? my heart aches thinking of that am not going to make for home this puja too.. :(