H & F...

Funny thing about humiliation and failure-you face it for the first time,you feel almost betrayed.How could life do this to you?It's so unfair!You cry for days,then slowly you leave the bed,wash your face and get back to your mundane life.Gradually you get so used to it that life feels almost incomplete without H & F.It took me a long time to accept the truth that I don't have what it takes to be a dancer.I was dedicated,I wasn't even that bad.Long back,people used to actually compliment me for my intricate footwork in 'Kathak'.I went to a few auditions and I was never rejected in the first round.But I never made it to the third round anywhere.Then everything went wrong.I tried other forms-contemporary,jazz,a little hip hop and salsa basics...Nothing,absolutely nothing worked.I DID love doing contemporary.My body used to feel alive,absorbing all the emotions but that didn't really translate into a good pirouettes turn.I tried,I tried and I tried.Did you ever wake up from your sleep and see that you had lost your voice?You can't speak any more but you had planned to say those really meaningful words to the person who mattered the most to you.Same happened to me when I discovered that I had lost my flair for 'Kathak'.Many of you would actually argue that real talent is never lost.Maybe then it wasn't a real one.But you see,I'm someone who never takes 'no' for an answer.So,I kept fighting back,only to realize that it wasn't meant to be.Have you had one of those relationships where you two loved each other a lot but you knew that being together would do no good to any of you?It'll only make things worse.I've had a beautiful relationship with dance.It supported me when I had nothing-no friend,no one to talk to,no 'boyfriend'...It was the only reason for which I managed to survive almost four years without any so called 'teenager stuff'.But it just had to come to an end.Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt though.Just like mature couples,even after break up,we continue to be 'just friends'.So,the weekly 'Kathak' class is still on but we both know that we've run the course of our relationship.Feel free to go ahead and judge me,call me a 'maniac',call me 'mentally imbalanced',I couldn't care less.I know what my problem is and I'm not looking for a counseling session here.I love reading and shopping too and only 'love' would probably underestimate my love for these but they were like those one night stands where no feeling was involved,ever.I knew I was going in to have fun and I DID have fun.They were mere hobbies for me.They made me happy but without them,I wasn't lost.They didn't have the power to turn my life upside down,make my pillow soggy for weeks...The only hope that keeps me going?I'm so not done with it!Maybe some day,we'll be able to keep our differences at bay and try to stay together,the passion burnt out but the friendship still there.So,I won't think twice before joining again after winter but I just keep getting older and older...If only I could pause the clock and say,'Hey,I've other things to do now.Don't start until I come back to finish this unfinished business.'...Life's cruel.It never listens to you.It puts you into most difficult situations and expects you to come out of it,unscathed.Until then,what you left behind,will just be 'unfinished'.And maybe that's why you crave it so much.Because none of the features will stay with you for long,beauty fades,trends change,'good' becomes 'okay','evil' becomes 'fearless' but 'unfinished' only remains 'unfinished'.Time can't play its cruel game on something that's unfinished.There's just no way it could be made more ugly or anything.It'll always be 'just unfinished'.