Tuesday, 12 July 2011


As I always say,my blog isn't about lucky fairytale characters because I myself am not one of them,I never was,I never will be.I love many things-reading,dancing,shopping,cooking,writing...I'm a (wo)man of varied tastes.But no matter what,I've never been 'the best' in anything.Far worse,I've always been pretty close to 'the worst' or 'the second worst'.Life's been hard.All through the school,I've been either laughed at for being a loser or hated for reading more trashy magazines than my course books.I used to go to a Maths teacher back in my early teens.I hated his pot belly,hairy knuckles,bad breath,slaps(that he used to give me pretty often),cigarettes(that he used to smoke after every ten minutes)but he had told me something very valuable and true-always try to be either the best or the worst.Nobody in between will be remembered.He surely wasn't the one to have invented it,he was just the first person to have told me this.I've always been on the heavier side(to put it politely) and as a result of that,my clothes have never received the kind of attention they should've had.I could never wear the clothes I wanted to.I used to manage decent scores in all subjects but never got the highest marks in any.I love dancing.Till now,fortunately,I've not faced any embarrassing situation in the various Kathak classes I've been to but my western,boy oh boy!I love contemporary.It's such a bodily dance form and I really feel the steps but my body never cooperates.As a result,there're times when I'm the only one in the class not being able to do a split or flip the choreography requires us to do.I've had crushes on many hotties(or not-so-hotties because,for me,intelligence is a big turn on)but they never bothered to look at me twice.I've always had the prettiest or the most popular girl as my best friend.As a result,I was always overshadowed by her personality.So,most of the men who proposed me did so because they dared not go and approach my best friend.For me,being the underdog comes easy because I've always been one.But being a back-up person,the one nobody really cares for,the one nobody invites to the movies or lunches,the one nobody includes in their plans,the one nobody talks to if not being talked to,the universal second fiddle-no,it's not easy,it's as hard as it sounds.Even in my family,I've never been the front row girl.And I guess I've grown so used to standing behind other people that it doesn't bother me any more.Last line or last bench is where I feel at home.I had a pretty rough day today.Turns out I've got labs on both thurs and sat.Now,those who're not really accustomed to my routine,I've my contemporary dance class on thurs and I go to IMS for CAT tuitions on sat.I love both to death.After a not-so-great J2EE class and an even worse rehearsal(where I was the only reason for which everybody else had to do the same steps for hours),while I was on my way home,I realized that I was fighting a lost battle.My life is something that was never meant to be.I might be God's worst hangover.But big guy was drunk enough to inject into me something that I hardly have any use for-never dying spirit.That's me.I just don't know how to give up.I keep on trying-with disastrous results often but I never say 'no' until it's over.With my success rate,my life'd have been probably easier had I been someone to easily accept my defeat and fade away gracefully.Maybe fighter attitudes look glamorous only when the final result is positive.In my case,people just term me stubborn and good-for-nothing snob.My mom sometimes says that I'm such a failure because I've never learned to respect people.But respect can't be forced,no?I can't respect someone just because they've seen the world for a couple of years more than I've.We hardly have any choice over our birthdays,have we?And now,seriously,I'm lost because I don't find any particular topic in what I've written till now and I was writing just because I was raging in fury and even after trying a lot,I couldn't cry.Tears're not always a wipe away.But now that I've actually started to calm down a bit and read the things I've written,I'm seeing that half of them don't make any sense.But still I didn't delete them because this is the only place where I can write my heart out and nobody'll judge me(or so I hope but criticisms're more than welcome)and that's what makes this place is so special for me!Stupid or plain emotional?That's up to you to decide.I'll sign off now.

P.S.tomorrow might be my last day in the green nail paints I've been living in for months.After various shades of yellow,blue,pink and green,I'm going back to good ol' black days again.Thought I should give them a proper farewell.I owe it to them,they've served me well.So,I took some random pictures of them and of things that keep me going,even in my darkest days,in the comfortable closure of my room.There're more like my fav books,the pillows I've been using for nearly twenty years,my balcony and many more.These're just starters.And notice how weird my fingers're!My God!ROFL!

1 comment:

  1. Just passing by your blog. Maybe we can follow each other? http://www.fashionmechic.com/