DOWN THE MEMORY LANES

A few days earlier,I came across this fantastic post by Poulami here and I was so inspired that I decided right there,right then to do a similar post(or maybe not-so-similar) over here.All throughout my early teens,I've been an avid romantic-growing up on Shakespeare,Thomas Hardy,Erich Segal,James Frey,George Orwell and back home,Saratchandra Chattapadhdhay.I had always believed that a romance can't be true until it is tinged with the pain of separation.I found a weird,almost morbid pleasure in shedding tears or hurting myself.I've not been the luckiest person as far as relationships're concerned but all my ugly relationships've had their fair share of beautiful moments-sharing a cone sitting on the stairs of a crappy movie theater,walking in the rains with hand in hand,fighting over a week and then breaking down as soon as he said those three magical words,eating molten chocolates off his hand,sitting by the 'Gangar ghat' and watching the sun going to sleep(Yes,that's what my mom had told me)...While I might not be in touch with the persons concerned,I still cherish all these golden memories.It doesn't bother me that the dreams we had dreamed together as 'we',don't exist any more because 'we' are history.Just remembering the excitement of going for a date in secret or whispering to him on the phone from my dad's bedroom,the thrill of waving to him from the school bus-these're enough to make me fall in love with life again.Maybe I can't control a drop or two of my 'precious' tears,but I can assure you that it's totally worth it.I've never believed that a relationship ends as soon as the two people break up,that's merely a start for me.But to forget what you had in between,that's abusing the relationship.For any peculiar reason,I've been thinking of my past relationships a lot over this week.And as much as I hate to admit it,I've been also wondering like 'If it hadn't happened,maybe we'd have been still together','If his mom hadn't tried to make my life a living hell,maybe we'd have been still dating','Am I still in love with him?' or 'Was getting back together a really bad idea?'...You see,a relationship,much like love,is irreversible.It always leaves a mark on your life which,no matter how hard you try,you'll never be able to erase totally.It's like that stain of blood you get on your vases after murdering someone for self defense and then hiding the body behind your house.They have this irritating habit of showing up only when you don't want them to.The scars of a past relationship also catch you off guard,just when you're at your most vulnerable state.Might be a song you've a special memory of,a place you've a painful memory associated with or simply an old friend who is still to know that you two're not together any more.But moving on doesn't always mean burning pictures or letters,deleting contacts from your phone or abusing the person in your breath throughout the whole day.It only makes you angrier and therefore,more fragile.Chances are there that the very moment you're busy doing any of these things,if he comes and hugs you tightly,you two might end up in a passionate kiss.'Attaining closure' is very important.Well,I've not been able to attain it yet,let me know if you ever can.I'll be all ears!And till then,please don't judge me for gaining a few kilos,thanks to all these roadside Biryanis,rolls,kebabs and LOADS and LOADS of chocolate because I really am having a bad week.

ALWAYS,ALWAYS,ALWAYS A FIRST RUNNER UP

As I always say,my blog isn't about lucky fairytale characters because I myself am not one of them,I never was,I never will be.I love many things-reading,dancing,shopping,cooking,writing...I'm a (wo)man of varied tastes.But no matter what,I've never been 'the best' in anything.Far worse,I've always been pretty close to 'the worst' or 'the second worst'.Life's been hard.All through the school,I've been either laughed at for being a loser or hated for reading more trashy magazines than my course books.I used to go to a Maths teacher back in my early teens.I hated his pot belly,hairy knuckles,bad breath,slaps(that he used to give me pretty often),cigarettes(that he used to smoke after every ten minutes)but he had told me something very valuable and true-always try to be either the best or the worst.Nobody in between will be remembered.He surely wasn't the one to have invented it,he was just the first person to have told me this.I've always been on the heavier side(to put it politely) and as a result of that,my clothes have never received the kind of attention they should've had.I could never wear the clothes I wanted to.I used to manage decent scores in all subjects but never got the highest marks in any.I love dancing.Till now,fortunately,I've not faced any embarrassing situation in the various Kathak classes I've been to but my western,boy oh boy!I love contemporary.It's such a bodily dance form and I really feel the steps but my body never cooperates.As a result,there're times when I'm the only one in the class not being able to do a split or flip the choreography requires us to do.I've had crushes on many hotties(or not-so-hotties because,for me,intelligence is a big turn on)but they never bothered to look at me twice.I've always had the prettiest or the most popular girl as my best friend.As a result,I was always overshadowed by her personality.So,most of the men who proposed me did so because they dared not go and approach my best friend.For me,being the underdog comes easy because I've always been one.But being a back-up person,the one nobody really cares for,the one nobody invites to the movies or lunches,the one nobody includes in their plans,the one nobody talks to if not being talked to,the universal second fiddle-no,it's not easy,it's as hard as it sounds.Even in my family,I've never been the front row girl.And I guess I've grown so used to standing behind other people that it doesn't bother me any more.Last line or last bench is where I feel at home.I had a pretty rough day today.Turns out I've got labs on both thurs and sat.Now,those who're not really accustomed to my routine,I've my contemporary dance class on thurs and I go to IMS for CAT tuitions on sat.I love both to death.After a not-so-great J2EE class and an even worse rehearsal(where I was the only reason for which everybody else had to do the same steps for hours),while I was on my way home,I realized that I was fighting a lost battle.My life is something that was never meant to be.I might be God's worst hangover.But big guy was drunk enough to inject into me something that I hardly have any use for-never dying spirit.That's me.I just don't know how to give up.I keep on trying-with disastrous results often but I never say 'no' until it's over.With my success rate,my life'd have been probably easier had I been someone to easily accept my defeat and fade away gracefully.Maybe fighter attitudes look glamorous only when the final result is positive.In my case,people just term me stubborn and good-for-nothing snob.My mom sometimes says that I'm such a failure because I've never learned to respect people.But respect can't be forced,no?I can't respect someone just because they've seen the world for a couple of years more than I've.We hardly have any choice over our birthdays,have we?And now,seriously,I'm lost because I don't find any particular topic in what I've written till now and I was writing just because I was raging in fury and even after trying a lot,I couldn't cry.Tears're not always a wipe away.But now that I've actually started to calm down a bit and read the things I've written,I'm seeing that half of them don't make any sense.But still I didn't delete them because this is the only place where I can write my heart out and nobody'll judge me(or so I hope but criticisms're more than welcome)and that's what makes this place is so special for me!Stupid or plain emotional?That's up to you to decide.I'll sign off now.

P.S.tomorrow might be my last day in the green nail paints I've been living in for months.After various shades of yellow,blue,pink and green,I'm going back to good ol' black days again.Thought I should give them a proper farewell.I owe it to them,they've served me well.So,I took some random pictures of them and of things that keep me going,even in my darkest days,in the comfortable closure of my room.There're more like my fav books,the pillows I've been using for nearly twenty years,my balcony and many more.These're just starters.And notice how weird my fingers're!My God!ROFL!