Heartbreak and Co.

It is that time of the year again(or maybe for the last time) when I lay my heart down on your path so that you can crush it again and make me feel useful(not used).But this time it was different.I lost you because of my own stupid,stupid blunders(not that you were mine to begin with). You can never forgive me,I know.But I can never forgive myself too.I can take your hatred,even that's 'feeling' for me but it hurts the most when you say you don't feel anything and you're perfectly all right.You know how much you matter.But when you crushed my heart,you didn't even pay attention to the slightly crinkly noise it made under your shoes-the last cry of the darkened,poisoned heart of a sinner .Just because a convict deserves the death sentence,it doesn't mean they want to die.A real judge is the one who feels bad for the convict without changing the sentence.It's been a beautiful journey so far(despite all the bitterness because I cherish even them)and now that it's over,even I'm lost for words when I think about it(and you say I'm good with my words!What a fucking joke!). The end of the road is never pretty and I'm not surprised that I feel like being in neck deep garbage with your words floating all around.I'm just glad that I stuck long enough to get a sigh and a highly sarcastic apology(your first apology ever.Wow!) from you("I'm really sorry.I never talk to girls like this but I've to.",did you mean it?I wonder.). I've so many things to thank you for...where do I start?Thank you for teaching me that pain can be so extraordinarily beautiful-sharp,crisp,intriguing,invigorating but oddly calming at the same time.I bite my lips,sometimes hoping it'll make it easy to bear THE PAIN,sometimes simply because it's so perversely pleasurable.How do I define love,you asked.I had no definitions.But you know what,I do now.I define love as the evil who makes me do something completely out of my character,makes me do something that really deserves all your lash out(and maybe more) and then forces me to sit through the most insulting hour of my whole freakin' life.You've never been gentle with me,you never pampered me.But you know what,you were never THAT rude too.I couldn't take it any more.It didn't go to my heart,it went straight to my brain and froze it in no time.I was shaking.There was a flurry of emotions.I've never felt so much in such a short time!But the intensity of all the mixed feelings left me numb.But I knew it was my last shot and boy,did I try my best!I had troubles remembering words but I still kept begging.I had to.I knew once you were gone,it was closed,I was dead.I wanted to live."I don't feel anything any more,not even hatred",you told me.When it was over,for once and for all,strangely,I discovered-I don't feel anything too.There's just this void that refuses to go away.In the past,concentrating on other stuff and keeping myself occupied have really helped me to get over THE PAIN.But now toh,even that doesn't work.
                                                                                                                                          The path to your heart(no matter how narrow it was) is closed,forever.I'm not dumb enough to doubt that.My heart does feel orphaned.Because it didn't plan an alternate route.I thought I needed so little resources that I could be there forever without bothering you-you won't even know I was there.But obviously,I should have taken nothing for granted.Beggars aren't allowed on every pavement.That doesn't mean those beggars are asking for too much.I wish you slipped a few clues in before leaving.After all,you knew what was best for me,always.And I screwed myself only when I stopped listening to you and tried to act smart instead.I can still feel every second of that fateful day(was it a day or days?I'm getting old too.And fiction has mixed with fact so perfectly that it's hard to remember what happened and what I hallucinated) under my skin.The memories are THAT fresh.

                                                                                              "In fact,it would be a crime to depict them as memories".

You  don't want my version,you don't want to have anything to do with me but I'll still say,I didn't plan this.I didn't want you to feel the way you felt and only God knows how THAT made me feel.I was stupid,I was selfish but I didn't want to hurt you,ever.You made a promise,I'll promise you something in return too.I'll move on,no matter what.I owe it to you so that you get rid of the last possible blame.You'll always be a part of my life,like a vestigial organ that serves no purpose apart from hurting you silently,in some way or the other.But I owe it to you to give love another chance(or maybe a few more chances)so that no one can blame you for ruining my life.I'll live,I'll be fine.I'll let you know when that happens,even if you choose to ignore it as a  spam
                                                                                    "I cry because it makes sense,
                                                                                      I smile because I get sick of crying.
                                                                                      These are the only two emotions I'm left with,
                                                                                       you took the rest."

And like we both say,"all of a sudden and it's truly ironic."