New beginning or the means to an end?

There can't be a better time to talk about new beginnings than December! Of course talking about new beginnings has special significance for me this December with the move to Indore. But then again, without taking any credit away from the new for all its positivism, why don't we talk about endings? How do we start something new if we don't end the old? This year has been a year of changes in more ways than one. I've changed so much throughout the year that I barely relate to the person I was when 2014 started. Most of the changes have come with heartbreaks in one way or the other but I learnt to be thankful for what I have instead of complaining about what I had to let go of. 2014 has been a year of disappointment, liberation, failure, self-realisation, loneliness, passion and of course, love. These are the things I'd always remember 2014 for-

• Girls' Week Out- I've never been much of a traveler. Most of the times, I didn't have money, I didn't have anyone to travel with, I was stuck in my monotonous and hectic schedule...excuses are aplenty but this year, I finally took a trip to Gangtok with two of my best friends. And it was so liberating! Three girls travelling together, facing challenges of every kind and getting over them all, it was an experience I'd never forget.

This trip in itself deserves a separate post and I promise I'd get back with it without further procrastination.

• First job- Well, it's over-hyped, it definitely is. Specially for someone who is working in an organisation that is far from her dream company , life can be pretty difficult. In addition to that, it doesn't even translate into a lot of money. But then, being able to pay your own bills gives you a sense of confidence that nothing else can match up to.

• Moving to a new city- For someone so blindly in love with Kolkata, moving to a new city, that too, a city I've hated during my week-long stay there was pretty much unimaginable for everyone who knew me. Even I've surprised myself the way I handled the entire relocation. Guess it's easy to be calm and realistic when one gets used to disappointment.

• Letting go of forever- My younger brother had shared a piece of wisdom with me long back. I was madly in love and since I wasn't in a relationship that had a so called destination, the love brought with it a lot of pain. It hurt him to see me in so much pain and still trying so desperately to hold on to it. So, he had told me that forever is ever changing. If this one feels right, it's not the last. It'd come again. I didn't want to believe him but this year taught me exactly that. Forever would keep coming even though it'd feel different every time. That doesn't make letting go any less painful but it's comforting to believe that this isn't the end of life.

Now that the end of 2014 is nearby, let me raise a toast to every beautiful moment this year has given me, the way it has broken me and put me back to shape...everything has made me stronger and braver. Thank you, 2014!

 And finally, it's time to unveil 'Sisters of the Travelling Pajamas'! It's a concept that one of my blogging idols Karishma had come up with. A group of bloggers from different cities formed a chain and each blogger had to send one piece of clothing/accessory to the next one in the chain and the one receiving it has to style it her way. I was lucky enough to receive her crop top and even though I had great plans to style it really high street with moccasins and oxblood lipstick, due to lack of resources, this is how I finally styled it-

Crop top- Karishma's, skirt, belt, shoes- B.K.Market, wristband- borrowed from Anu, bag- New Market, lipstick- Orange Punch by Colorbar

Picture Credits- Anu

I'll be back with the Gangtok post and the customary Indore guide post once I get a little time off all the cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and clothes, grocery shopping and all other side-effects of living alone. Till then, take care and keep it stylish.

Fear no fear(or not)?

Since time immemorial, children and adults alike are taught to overcome their fear but while going through a post by fellow blogger Chandana, I actually started thinking about fear the way I haven't thought in years. Since Bukowski, Ginsberg and Plath happen to be my all time favourite poets, I, personally have always been a believer in fear. Fear, in my opinion, is the rawest emotion one can have and even though the die-hard romantic in me would like to think otherwise, I've strong reasons to suspect that fear overrides even love at times. Every human emotion can be derived from fear. Love also, in a way, can be defined as 'the fear of losing the person one can't do without', among other things. The so called 'overcoming one's fear' is also logically null and void. We don't overcome our fears, we avoid acknowledging the fact that we fear a certain person/thing/activity/idea and try to look at that particular person/thing/activity/idea as something different(and doable, if I might add). But none of the 'overcome your fear' workshops I've seen had taught the victim to admit their fear and then dealing with it. They are always told that there's nothing to fear which, in essence, is trying to avoid the idea of fear altogether and also, challenging the victim's sanity.
                                                                                                                                           How about using fear as motivation instead? Fear isn't our friend and most of us are in agreement in that case. So, the next time we have to go river-rafting, something that many of us are scared of, instead of thinking that there's nothing to fear and then rediscovering it like never before mid-river, how about we admit the fear of river-rafting and then decide to go because we refuse to allow fear more power over us than it already has? I myself am very clear about my fears. Like most of my friends, I'm shit scared of cockroaches, spiders, snakes and all their creepy crawly cousins. But whenever a cockroach presents itself in front of me when I don't have help nearby, I try to remember how scary it'd be if I can't kill the cockroach now and it gets braver and ends up on my shoulder and trust me, it always works. I have almost a 100% record of hitting cockroaches with my first spray. Fear no. 2 is going back to my (grossly) overweight days. It goes without saying that this fear motivates me to eat healthy(with cheat days once every week of course) and work out on a regular basis. The biggest fear in my life is not having my loved ones with me, physically or emotionally. Even though this might not sound like a real fear to some people, trust me I've spent sleepless nights imagining how life would be without the ones I consider to be my closest. I'm yet to get hold of a full-proof way to solve this but I'm reaching there. What are your fears?
                                                                                          Moving on to the outfit, you must have got an idea that I'm in a full on monochrome mood. So, you are going to see this maxi skirt on the blog pretty frequently. And I love how Anu makes my Saturdays ever since the misery called work has taken over! Even though I try not to miss her exhibitions, most of the times I can't turn up because of my hectic schedule. Since I was working this Saturday and my office happens to be close to The Park, I knew this isn't an exhibition I'd like to miss out on. Given the dress code and the weather, this was pretty much the best I could do. Of course even a conservative(read matronly) outfit like this one drew enough glances(and complaints later) from people at work who were wondering whether sweeping the floor has also been added to the duties of HR or not and how I lost my other 'earring' and if I'm wearing a clip-on because I don't have my ears pierced, to name a few but then, having a gala time with Anu and Deepa is worth every awkward (and annoying) question answered(or ignored).

Maxi skirt-Jabong, shirt- Simpark Mall, ring- New Market, shoes and earcuff- B.K.Market, bow tie-Howrah Bridge

Picture Courtesy- Anu

The biggest festival of us Bengalis- Durga Pujo is just a week away. Even though I have mixed feelings about it this year, the energy in the city during this time is infectious. So, expect a lot of ethnic pictures on ze blog when I come back. Till then, take care and keep it stylish.

Rebel turned disciplined?

All my life, I have been a rebel. The art of discipline never appealed to me. I always enjoyed breaking rules instead of obeying them. Therefore, all my friends thought I had gone mad when I told them about my disciplined lifestyle these days. And my family was pleasantly surprised.
                                                                                                         One of my closest and most special friends had told me something long back that I couldn't appreciate fully. He said everything(or most of the things at least) holds their charm only when they are forbidden. Once the ban is lifted, one would hardly crave it. According to him, the key to the success in relationships lies in this simple fact. As long as couples can come up with ideas that make their relationship feel forbidden and illegitimate(and adventurous), the fun would be there. The moment both the persons know that they are supposed to be together and they love each other and nothing can separate them, they'd have no passion left and it'd be the death of the relationship(feel free to draw parallels with 'Death of poet' in this context).
               I've mixed feelings to his theory for various reasons best left unsaid. However, if I apply this same logic to my lifestyle, it perfectly explains my painstakingly disciplined lifestyle these days. Back in my childhood, rules were all I was taught to adhere to. There was a rule for everything-when to wake up, what to have for breakfast, what to wear, who to play with, when to do my homework, when to watch TV, what all channels to watch, how long to talk over phone...and of course when to start dating and how far to go with the boyfriends. In the presence(and enforcement) of so many rules, all I wanted to do was rebel. But as I started growing up, my otherwise rigid parents(to my relief and surprise), started loosening their grip and I got to do exactly what I wanted. I believe it was partially because of the regular fights at home and partially because of my mom's belief that teenagers adopt the right values if they are given freedom in small doses. Nonetheless, the result was delightful. All throughout my student life, most of my friends were envious of the freedom I got from home. "No curfew hours?","Your mom knows that you drink?","Your parents would let you go on a trip with your friends?","You talk to your boyfriends in front of your parents?","Your parents allowed you to move out?" were some of the very few questions I used to be bombarded with by the zealously protected rich kids in class.
                                                      To be honest, I had my fair share of fun. Despite financial constraints, the kind of liberating experiences that I've had in my age would be rare to come by, I dare say. However, after ten years of no rules, being a rebel didn't seem to be as glamorous as it had when I was a kid. I secretly wished my parents made angry calls every time I was staying out late instead of a somewhat worried but supportive "it's okay, take your time, come safe". I found myself feeling guilty and irritated at the same time when everyone in class was scolded for performing poorly in the exam while my parents said nothing. I wanted to be the good old protected child again. Life seemed to be so much easier when someone else makes the rules for you!
                                  But, one can't have the best of both the worlds. And since my parents weren't about to turn into overprotective monsters overnight, I decided to make rules for myself. I got the first taste of a disciplined lifestyle while I was doing my first internship. I used to wake up at 5 a.m., make my pre-workout meal and lunch, workout for an hour or so, come home and make my breakfast, catch the 8:50 Volvo, read the morning newspaper on my way to work, work till at least 8 p.m., come home back and make my dinner, watch TV while having dinner, put my facepack on and go to bed. I went out with friends during weekends but I didn't drink or eat out more than once in a month. I also made it a point to note down one stimulating thought every month. I continued this lifestyle during my next internship despite going through a very emotionally difficult time. And I'm back to the same lifestyle now that I'm working(the only concession being a maid for making the dinner, thanks to the salary at the end of the month). And I can't tell you how satisfied and rejuvenated it leaves me! There's a certain feel good factor associated with sticking to a routine and it helps me fight all the frustration in my personal life. There are days when I don't cry just because I'm supposed to be arranging my fresh clothes from laundry at that point of time as per my routine. And pushing the tears away for the sake of something more important makes them go away at least for the day and I couldn't have been more thankful for that!
                                                             Speaking of being thankful, I wish there were a single person to thank for the emergence of maxi dresses and skirts. They are an absolute life-saver and I absolutely can't do without them! They are chic, comfortable and super stylish! What more could a girl ask for? Yes, a phaatugraphaar to capture them in their maxi-mum glory but then, I have even that! I truly am a lucky girl!

Maxi skirt- Jabong, dress(worn as a blouse)-B.K.Market, gladiators- Metro Plaza, cuff- New Market, rings- B.K.Market and Park Street, sling- Simpark Mall

Crossroads...

You know those over-hyped, cheesy yet somewhat significant junctures of your life that you can never be prepared for? Like going to school, starting college, losing your virginity,getting started with alcohol, getting married, having a baby et cetera? Well,putting an end to one's academic career(read leaving college)is one of those too.You think it'd be some grand affair with graduation cloaks, recalling funny stories about each other and shedding tears about not being able to re-live those days again, promising to stay in touch no matter what and all but unless you are some leader in your batch being equally popular among students and teachers, always organising cool events, helping your friends out with the most impressive job in your pocket, it's another one of those days when you don't feel like dragging your ass all the way back to that pathetic campus where you have been bullied or discriminated against, yawning through another set of lectures from the faculties you so hate from the bottom of your heart and finally getting drunk with a bunch of acquaintances over how this institute has failed you and your dreams. And I needn't turn up at my farewell to know that.
                                   As far as I'm concerned, mediocrity has always been my middle name. I'm not pretty, I'm not extraordinarily ugly either.I never topped my class but never came last either. I'm nowhere close to having my dream job but I DO have something to fall back on for psychological comfort(yeah, I don't think I'd be any less broke or dissatisfied if I go to Mumbai for this job but I couldn't survive the pressure
of seeing others get placed and scoring a zero for a week, let alone so many months),my love story would never go down in history but it's definitely my favourite.
                                                                          Given all these grand examples, it's a no brainer that I was never any teacher's favourite anywhere. I didn't make friends who'd die for me either. Basically, had I not been there in the class,people won't have missed much. I was pretty much invisible.So,I'm having a really hard time coming up with one good reason for showing up at the stupid campus one last time where no one cares much about me and the feeling is very mutual. The thought of pretending to be having a good time while boredom gets the better of me just doesn't sound appealing. And even though I shared a very personal bond with my students during my short stint as a private tutor, none of the teachers in my schools or colleges ever inspired me enough to delve deeper into the subjects they were teaching. Besides, my career has suffered a lot at different times for not sharing a personal equation with any of my teachers.
                                                                                                                      But,at the same time,unlike many of my other friends,I'm not angry at anyone. I have studied Leader-Member Exchange Theory and believe in it wholeheartedly. I find it very normal to accept that everyone would have a favourite and I calmly accept this fact also that I'm no one's favourite. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm thankful to God for making me normal,allowing me to have a normal life,giving me results worth at least thirty percent of my hard work and blessing me with this beautiful heart that stretches like rubber and engulfs the person I love once I love them. I'm thankful to God for making me sensitive enough to feel every ecstasy, failure, disappointment, hatred, heartbreak, passion and still not be overwhelmed by it(okay,maybe I should have excluded the heartbreak part but never mind). Moving to an alien city with an unimpressive job,leaving my family,friends and the love of my life behind,scares me beyond imagination and I'll try to fight it for as long as possible. But when I sense the end,I'll just let go and surrender to fate completely. The tears won't stop but there'd be no regret.
                                                   Speaking of regrets,poila boishakh(The Bengali New Year)is known to be a family affair among us Bengalis and my family being one of those where no one seems to be agreeing with anyone else over anything,it has always been a quiet day at home having bhetki paturi(bhetki fish steamed with mustard paste), chingri shorshey(mustard prawn) or mangsher jhol(mutton curry) for lunch.My parents don't see any logic in going out to fancy Bengali restaurants and have Bengali delicacies that are no more cooked at Bengali households and I've always regretted spending an uneventful poila boishakh. But with my bunch of girls making plans on that very day, it was anything but quiet this year. We met up at this quaint little place called Cafela near Rashbehari and boy, did we have a scandalous evening! The pictures are more than a month old but you can still see the sparkle in my eyes, right?

Anarkali gone wrong and worn as a maxi dress-tailor-made from Gariahat Market(not from my regular tailor,duh!), shoes, pouch- Simpark Mall, denim waistcoat- New Market, rings- B.K.Market and New Market, lipstick- Maybelline Bold Matte MAT 4

Picture Courtesy- Anu

P.S. I'm almost getting over multicolored outfits and I have to admit that Anamika Khanna hating them has helped accelerate my decision. So, expect a lot of monochrome and tone-on-tone on ze blog in the coming posts. Till then, take care and keep it stylish.

The Happiness Page

After surviving the continuous "Happiness is" followed by the particular activity the writer is involved in at that moment/the person they happen to be with at that time posts and #100HappyDays hashtag all over the Social Media, I thought it was time to delve deep inside and look for a definition that has always worked for me. So, here I am, writing about something many think I don't know at all-happiness!
                                                                                                                       Now, the tricky part about happiness is that it has no single definition, or so I found. It varies from person to person, situation to situation;it even depends on the changes in the constraints to attaining happiness. My dida blesses everyone placing her right palm on their head, closing her eyes and muttering an intelligible 'bhalo theko' as if being happy is always that simple. But if one gives it a serious thought, it's not farther from truth either. Music makes someone happy, books make some others happy. Some are happy taking their dogs out for a walk while some are happy just gulping a dozen of cupcakes down. However, in most of my observations, I found love to be a constant driver behind happiness. At times, it's so intense and passionate that we can see only the pain behind it, not the happiness. But it's always there, in some form or the other. Another imperative would be pain itself. A very popular saying goes that one doesn't understand the significance of light until they see darkness very closely. Likewise, until and unless one feels pain, owns up to it, absorbs it all and then gathers the courage to smile again, one hasn't known true happiness. The journey through pain prepares one for the light ahead, teaches them to appreciate it. As for myself, I've seen pain pretty closely, both physically as well as mentally. I've loved it with all I had. But if I'm asked to choose between silent tears on my pillow and a warm smile in his embrace, I know what my choice would be. Do you know yours?

Blouse-Metro Plaza, floral pants-B.K.Market, shoes-Simpark Mall, neckpiece-gifted, cuff and ring-New Market