Rebel turned disciplined?

All my life, I have been a rebel. The art of discipline never appealed to me. I always enjoyed breaking rules instead of obeying them. Therefore, all my friends thought I had gone mad when I told them about my disciplined lifestyle these days. And my family was pleasantly surprised.
                                                                                                         One of my closest and most special friends had told me something long back that I couldn't appreciate fully. He said everything(or most of the things at least) holds their charm only when they are forbidden. Once the ban is lifted, one would hardly crave it. According to him, the key to the success in relationships lies in this simple fact. As long as couples can come up with ideas that make their relationship feel forbidden and illegitimate(and adventurous), the fun would be there. The moment both the persons know that they are supposed to be together and they love each other and nothing can separate them, they'd have no passion left and it'd be the death of the relationship(feel free to draw parallels with 'Death of poet' in this context).
               I've mixed feelings to his theory for various reasons best left unsaid. However, if I apply this same logic to my lifestyle, it perfectly explains my painstakingly disciplined lifestyle these days. Back in my childhood, rules were all I was taught to adhere to. There was a rule for everything-when to wake up, what to have for breakfast, what to wear, who to play with, when to do my homework, when to watch TV, what all channels to watch, how long to talk over phone...and of course when to start dating and how far to go with the boyfriends. In the presence(and enforcement) of so many rules, all I wanted to do was rebel. But as I started growing up, my otherwise rigid parents(to my relief and surprise), started loosening their grip and I got to do exactly what I wanted. I believe it was partially because of the regular fights at home and partially because of my mom's belief that teenagers adopt the right values if they are given freedom in small doses. Nonetheless, the result was delightful. All throughout my student life, most of my friends were envious of the freedom I got from home. "No curfew hours?","Your mom knows that you drink?","Your parents would let you go on a trip with your friends?","You talk to your boyfriends in front of your parents?","Your parents allowed you to move out?" were some of the very few questions I used to be bombarded with by the zealously protected rich kids in class.
                                                      To be honest, I had my fair share of fun. Despite financial constraints, the kind of liberating experiences that I've had in my age would be rare to come by, I dare say. However, after ten years of no rules, being a rebel didn't seem to be as glamorous as it had when I was a kid. I secretly wished my parents made angry calls every time I was staying out late instead of a somewhat worried but supportive "it's okay, take your time, come safe". I found myself feeling guilty and irritated at the same time when everyone in class was scolded for performing poorly in the exam while my parents said nothing. I wanted to be the good old protected child again. Life seemed to be so much easier when someone else makes the rules for you!
                                  But, one can't have the best of both the worlds. And since my parents weren't about to turn into overprotective monsters overnight, I decided to make rules for myself. I got the first taste of a disciplined lifestyle while I was doing my first internship. I used to wake up at 5 a.m., make my pre-workout meal and lunch, workout for an hour or so, come home and make my breakfast, catch the 8:50 Volvo, read the morning newspaper on my way to work, work till at least 8 p.m., come home back and make my dinner, watch TV while having dinner, put my facepack on and go to bed. I went out with friends during weekends but I didn't drink or eat out more than once in a month. I also made it a point to note down one stimulating thought every month. I continued this lifestyle during my next internship despite going through a very emotionally difficult time. And I'm back to the same lifestyle now that I'm working(the only concession being a maid for making the dinner, thanks to the salary at the end of the month). And I can't tell you how satisfied and rejuvenated it leaves me! There's a certain feel good factor associated with sticking to a routine and it helps me fight all the frustration in my personal life. There are days when I don't cry just because I'm supposed to be arranging my fresh clothes from laundry at that point of time as per my routine. And pushing the tears away for the sake of something more important makes them go away at least for the day and I couldn't have been more thankful for that!
                                                             Speaking of being thankful, I wish there were a single person to thank for the emergence of maxi dresses and skirts. They are an absolute life-saver and I absolutely can't do without them! They are chic, comfortable and super stylish! What more could a girl ask for? Yes, a phaatugraphaar to capture them in their maxi-mum glory but then, I have even that! I truly am a lucky girl!

Maxi skirt- Jabong, dress(worn as a blouse)-B.K.Market, gladiators- Metro Plaza, cuff- New Market, rings- B.K.Market and Park Street, sling- Simpark Mall

Catching up...

Most of the bloggers are done with their new year posts and I'm struggling to catch up.Literally.
Sounds cliched but this new year DOES mark a new beginning for me.Embracing the new,moving on,not forgetting the old but learning to accommodate it comfortably in your heart.Not closing the door forever,just making sure it's locked so that the thieves can't break in.Stop fighting the tears and accept the fact that there's nothing shameful in crying instead.Stop calling when I know that the phone won't be answered.In fact,I don't want the phone to be answered.That'd be almost weird because I don't know what to say.I just got used to the way the ring sounds.
I've lived the saying 'you can never get rid of your past,no matter where you escape,it'll always catch up with you' throughout my precious little life,literally!I don't come from a background I'm proud of(except for my parents and the sacrifices they made for me)and I escaped from it all along but I just never wasn't fast enough.I lost all the 'catch me if you can' games.
Sometimes I DO feel like putting myself into God's shoes.You've heard about those cliched essays like 'what'd you do if you became a millionaire for a day' or 'what'd you do if you became God for a day' for sure.
People write bullshits like 'I want to put an end to the Iraq war' or 'I want every child to receive education' or something equally pretentious.
I'd like to see the way God sees my life,day in and day out.I could use a laugh or two.
In fact,my life does seem like a joke to me only.Funny even mentioning that I ever had a plan,to begin with.
I did everything I had vowed not to-I smoked,I had sex with people who were seeing someone else,I've cheated on people,I've been cheated on,I've jumped into relationships just because I wanted company,I've used people,I've been used,I lied to my mom,I missed dance classes,I kissed a girl.My life is one fucked up shit-full of lies that have been there for so long that I almost believe them now.
My verbals teacher says we should never end something on a pessimistic note.I nod politely,go home back and try to figure things out,always hoping for a better result.But I'm stuck at the same place every freakin' time!
By now,you must've got used to my ranting.I hope you don't look for mushy stories in my blog because I'm anything but sweet and life is anything but fair.
My facebook album containing my b'day pictures says 'Thank God I was born!',I'm thinking of changing it to 'How I wish I weren't born at all!'But it might not do justice to the happy pictures.
Yes,that's why I need shopping,that's why I need to go out so often,that's why I'll never get over masturbation and porns even if I don't 'access' them for a good many months.Because,at the end of it,I'm just a pseudo-soul.It's all empty down there.So fucking empty that it'll scare the shit out of most of you.
That's as far as Hank Moody can get me.Yes,I'd DIE to be Karen or pretty much anyone he fucks because I'm in love with the idea of being with a dysfunctional genius.
"Doing the right thing,feeling the right thing",God knows how long it's been since I sang that sweet little carol of mine.The idea was never to fall in love in the first place.And then,never to fall out of it.
Everybody wants that perfect fairytale ending.And trust me,it's scary when one fine morning,you find yourself loathing every happily ever after ending.You think life's easier when you start falling in love with your shit?Hardly so.
The thoughts and fantasies we're not proud of resides in the unconscious but why do they find refuge in the unconscious in the first place?Because the sane mind(the conscious,if you might) doesn't want them.
And you start smelling the real shit when the line between the two of them merges slowly.When you're so high that you don't know if you're tasting Champagne or pee!
I did have quite a few new year resolutions,in fact,it was a pretty long list.But I was just too lazy to post them.Or maybe they seemed too simple given the state of mind I was in.Maybe I'll post them,someday later.Just not in the mood today.Why do I've to stick to the rules this fucking world has made for me,right?
I'm my own boss!
P.S.I do have some happy pictures to share but this post was getting so angry that they didn't go very well for obvious reasons.Besides,Bloggers have some weird issues with the upload option.It's not working.Will try to post the pictures in the next post.Till then,take care.Love.