Running away...

And finally,it's here.She found it really easy to kind of shoo the thoughts away till now.But with every passing day,she feels the stress right under her skin.What if she doesn't get in?What if her so-called enemies get in before her?She couldn't care less about earning money.If anything,she didn't want to earn so soon.It felt oddly mature,it felt like growing up so much that you could never go back to being 'just a student'.And she wasn't ready to give up having 'phuchka' in front of 'Dakshinapan' so soon.She could still live in her backpack.She still had so many classes to bunk,so many teachers to fall for,so many joints to smoke.Life had just started for her.
                                                                                                                                               But at the same time,she wanted to make her parents proud.She has been fighting a long-lost battle since she was born.She knows she isn't the daughter they had wanted.They knew they weren't exactly her dream parents.But nonetheless,she loved them.They had sacrificed a lot to put her into a decent school,afford her shopping sprees and hangouts with her friends.They had a hard time buying her the course books but they never said 'no' to her when she wanted to buy every new entry on the fiction rack of Crossword.She owed them this much.After all they have done for her,the last thing they deserve is a public humiliation.
                                                                                                                                              She didn't think much for herself.She was yet to figure things out.She wasn't sure what she wanted from life.She has a few ideas though.It should contain the words 'free-spirited','creativity','fun','no rules','reading a lot' and 'writing a lot'.But she was yet to give it a name.
                                                         Things came too soon.Almost in no time.Sometimes she wonders if she chose the right path at all.English had been the plan all along.But then she thinks of having to read all the other subjects meant for the 'Arts' people and write(read vomit)them all down.That's not the life she'd have felt comfortable in.But then,nor is Circuit Theory.She loved English,she loved History.They talked to her,gave her goosebumps,but only when she wasn't reading them for an exam.
                                                                                          Sometimes,she wanted to scream.Maybe it'd get all the pain,indecision,confusion and guilt out of her system,she thinks.Maybe she'd be able to go back to her normal life-going to dance class,hating her college papers,reading,shopping and blogging.But then,the world feels just too quiet.She dares not disturb it.She remembers walking on her tip toes,making sure that her grandpa didn't wake up,back in childhood.It's like grandpas all over the world,again.

                                                                                                                             Sometimes,she hates herself.She hates herself for not being fond of the things her friends are.She hates herself for not wanting the same things her friends do.She hates herself for being so drastically different.She hates herself for not being talented enough to make the rest of the world give a damn.She hates herself for dreaming and then not having the guts to make them come true.She hates herself for being 'her'...

Of coming home back,not having a clue and then getting the biggest surprise of the month!

That's the thing about dressing down.You feel at home,you feel comfortable and at the same time,you feel down.I guess that's why they call it dressing 'down'.I've been thinking for a long time how to jazz it up a little.And then I saw a look of Jasleen's almost a year back and I was hugely inspired. She desifies almost every look of hers-sometimes with a jute bag,sometimes with a pair of mojris,sometimes with vintage jewellery...I've never been a fan of out-and-out traditional dress ups.Nor do conservatively Western looks appeal to me.I swear by the word 'mix and match'.So,I had a long day at college today.Got out at 8:30 a.m. and returned after 10 p.m.So,when I woke up in the morning,there was only one thing in my mind-COMFORT!And I dressed down.But added my small twist and ended up feeling like a princess throughout the day!Took a few pictures before going out.Thought would share.
                                                         On a totally unrelated note,you must remember the 'cute but a little too fair verbals teacher with pink lips and a perfect British accent'.I bought this card for him but couldn't give it to him since we weren't having English classes for two weeks or so.So,I left the card with the receptionist and cleverly(or not-so-cleverly) slipped in my mail ID inside the card.It has been a few days.I almost started to think that it was a wrong decision but after coming home back tonight,I found a mail in my inbox-thanking me for the card and a few more kind words that I'd like to keep to myself.I had a terrible day,I really did.But I couldn't ask for a better gift to forget it all.You see,I DO NOT have a crush on him!In fact,I might even consider going out with someone else after September(I'm still working on that and I've not reached a conclusion yet) but I don't know why,the very sight of him makes me want to giggle like a five year old!His easy charm WORKS on me and how!A few moments with him fills me with such a child-like glee!I've not been this happy for quite a while and the best part is that it's completely harmless!No hangover,no expectations,no side effects...It's like watching a street dancer perform.Happiness without any cost.It's so pure and so innocent that it almost freaks me out!Whenever I've been this happy in the past,it didn't come without ugly consequences.But that's something I don't really have to worry about,right?It'll come when it is supposed to.Till then,a visit to the candy store doesn't hurt,does it?

Of weird confessions and sweetheart uncles

It all started a month ago.You see,I've always been a little uneasy eating in front of someone else.Except for desserts,maybe.Because it is sexy and classy.Eating everything else in front of others made me feel so tongue-tied.I always thought that with my already not-so-small face,I must look like a vulture gulping things down.Whenever I wanted things to be romantic,I kept food out of the picture.Coming back to the original story,I've been having these long classes(six hours,sometimes even nine)for a few months now.My mom,being the good ol' homely and caring mom she is,packs me a sandwich,noodles or curries for lunch.But the thing is that I just don't know how to eat without getting ketchup,crumbs or gravy on my lips.And sometimes it's a little too spicy and I wipe my tears off with my left hand and make my kohl a little grainy and soggy.And if I go to the washroom carrying my bag after that,all these nerds of the class throw me such judgmental glances!As if I'm going to lose my virginity in the washroom and they'll tweet about it the moment I'm out of the room!So,I come up with this awesome plan.I reach half an hour early,leave my lunch box,breath mint,hand sanitizer,kohl,sunscreen,compact,lip balm,comb and tissue behind the sink,where no one else could see it and attend the class.Then,during the break,I go to the washroom(without anything in my hand so that these bitches think that it's normal and I'm not going to pile on more make up on my face),have my lunch,touch up my kohl and all and come back to class.After the classes are over,I go back to washroom(with my bag.Since the classes're over now,I won't leave the bag in the class,would I?),get my stuff and come back like nothing happened.If anyone asks me why I’m not having lunch these days,I just tell them that I’ve been trying to lose a few pounds lately.Initially,having lunch in the washroom grossed me out.I couldn't sleep at night.Then I got oddly comfortable with it.And you thought you knew ALL the weird stuff in the world!
                                                                                      Why am I telling you all these,you might ask.Well,the truth is that I've not yet gathered up enough courage to tell anyone about it.Now,a few of my friends and my family DO read my blog once in a while.So,I'm expecting them to come up to me and start with,'How could you?Come on!That's so weird!And gross!' or something like that.But I really wanted to share it with someone to get the burden off my shoulders.And what better audience than you people?Feel free to judge me.I myself am not that convinced of my normalcy anymore.

                                                                                                                                 On a brighter note,say 'hello' to my brand new pumps!I got them from Shreeram Arcade,thanks to my very considerate 'chhotomama'!I've not worn them properly yet.I did give them a trial run but it didn't end well,thanks to the unpredictable weather.I'm planning to wear them on Friday.Will try to get more pictures to share with you all.And my placement is on 19th September,the next Monday,that is.Please pray for me,will you?I really need ALL the luck in the world to save my sorry ass!

To sir,with love

Okay,I know it's been two days and I should've posted it a lot earlier and I'm sorry! There,I said it. Now stop sulking and start reading.
                                    On a brighter note,postponing this post made me think about it more and I actually found some things that you won't have seen in the earlier post.To be honest,I deleted the earlier one and this one has NOTHING to do with the earlier one.
                                                         I spent the Teachers' day in the most plain way possible.Went to my Kathak class,then went shopping and had an 'adda' session at my uncle's place after coming home back.But I've been a little lost throughout the day.Make no mistake,I HATE TEACHERS! Even now! But there ARE some teachers who actually made a difference in my life. I'm not on friendly terms with them all but I respect them a lot.So,this post is dedicated to all of them.

• Indrani Saha- She was my first dance teacher,ever.I've known her for more than eighteen years! I called her 'Rumi di'. We've had a love-hate relationship but I can never be enough grateful to her for introducing me to this fascinating world! I was around three when I saw her for the first time.She taught me how to stand into a 'thaath'(the basic Kathak posture).There've been times when the very presence of hers made me cringe-be it the bad English,bad breath,pathetic salwaar kameezes or very domestic interests.She even became lazier day by day-refusing to get up to show the steps to the students,refusing to take the 'tabla' out...But I'd like to think of her the way I saw her eighteen years back-an energetic twenty one years old with a love for dance who was willing to go to any length to turn a girl into a dancer.
• Writam Chanda-He used to be my Chemistry teacher.He was in first year when I met him.I HATED Chemistry,for the record and I still do.But he was one of those tough teachers who never,never gave up.He used to insult me in every possible way.He just didn't beat me up.He said I was 'pathetic' and 'I'd never be able to achieve anything in life' and many more hurtful things.I used to hate him like anything!He was very responsible though.Even when he had broken up with his long-time girlfriend and was totally devastated,he didn't miss a single class! I got to see the real him after our little teacher-student stint was over.He became one of my best friends.We or at least I used to share everything under the sun with him! I was seeing someone else when he came into my life.In fact,that boyfriend of mine had introduced me to him.So,we had a very brother-sister vibe going on.But then,things with my boyfriend didn't work out and we broke up.My exams were going on and it was a really hard time.He was there for me throughout.I still believe that I owe him at least fifty percent of my boards result.Without his rock solid support,I probably won't have been here today.Then we even dated for a while and I must say that I've had the most satisfying relationship of my life with him.We used to fight a lot but that was something I really loved about our relationship.We almost never agreed on something but we still knew how to respect the other person's point of view.All these didn't last for long though.I came to know that he had been cheating on his girlfriend with me.He himself confessed it to me and went back to his 'real' girlfriend,leaving me heart-broken.I picked up my pieces and moved on,only to get another call from him a few months later-he wanted to get back together with me.He said he had ended things with that girl for once and for all.Boy,did I love him! I still laugh at myself for getting back together.Initially,it was great and I was happier than ever before.But then,one fine morning,he just vanished.I waited,waited and waited,only to realize one day that he would never come back.He did contact me a few times thereafter but only as a friend.I don't know why he did this to me but I guess all good things come with side effects.It was in his nature only.He didn't know how to be in a relationship,stick to one girl and live happily ever after.I've forgiven him and wherever he is now,I hope he's doing well.This episode with him taught me a lot of things and I'm grateful to God for helping me come out of it.I emerged from it a stronger person and I've got nothing to complain about.
• Sumit Kumar-He was my dance instructor for almost a year.He was smart,well-dressed and somewhat funny but he wasn't my favorite for these reasons.He was a GREAT dancer,to begin with.But I guess that'd be an understatement.The grace with which his feet and hands moved on the floor,the sharpness of his pirouette turns...I just watched him spellbound.He was one of those few dance teachers who took dance seriously and was willing to do whatever it takes to make his students feel the same.He was an excellent choreographer and very strict too.I'm known for my 'not so flexible' body when it came to contemporary but he was actually able to teach me a few things in contemporary,jazz and ballet! He never took 'no' for an answer.I've stopped going to his classes now and he too has moved to Delhi but I'll always miss dancing under his guidance.And I DID have a crush on him too.I used to give him assorted chocolates for no reason.But later I found out that he just wasn't my type.I needed someone more well-read and intelligent.But I respect him as a teacher nonetheless.
• Sanket Chowkidar-He's probably the most over hyped teacher in my life!Writam da was really important too but I didn't have a facebook account or a blog back then.So,he didn't enjoy the amount of online attention that Sanket sir does,thanks to my posts.FYI,Sanket sir is that 'cute but a little too fair verbals teacher with pink lips and a perfect British accent' of mine.You've read about him a lot.He has inspired me a lot and I'm almost obsessed with him! But to be honest,I've never really got a chance to interact with him personally.Most of the interactions have been in the class only but it was enough to know what an extraordinary teacher he is.I never had feelings for him but at the same time,being in front of him was much,much more than 'just a class'.It's complicated with a capital 'C'!And please don't ask me,I won't be able to explain it.But all I know is that I'm not the person I was till Dec,2010 and the credit goes to him.He has made me see life from a whole new perspective.He has changed me for better.He probably thinks I'm one of those 'many' students who have a crush on him.He probably doesn't even know my name.I'm pretty sure I might have inspired a joke or two back at his dining table,with his wife(Yeah,he might be married for all I know) but I can't thank him enough for coming into my life and turning it upside down.

NOT A LOVE STORY

She was in a bad mood.For no particular reason though.She wanted to shake it all off her body and feel stupid.Instead,she just felt heavy.She had never a been a teacher's pet.All her life,the teachers had always hated her,for various reasons-sometimes it was because she laughed at their pronunciation,sometimes it was because she would be busy chatting with her friends throughout the whole class...She actually took pride in being a rebel.She deliberately made it a point not to answer any question even if she knew the right answer.That was her way of protesting against the system.Give us blokes,make us call them 'sir' and 'auntie' and 'miss' and 'madam' and we'll give you silence-the very early form of non-cooperation.Life was good and adventurous,till HE came along.HE changed it all.She suddenly found herself looking forward to attending classes and participating actively.And,to her horror,it actually felt pretty good.She'd wait for the whole week for those few hours.HE has always been very soft-spoken,almost inaudible.But to her,it sounded like music from a far off land.Yes,she was intrigued.And when she found out,it was too late.She kept convincing herself that it was a phase,she'd grow out of it but it had quite the opposite effect on her.It was still fine-a few hours of feel good verbals was actually doing her good.Besides,she figured that she'd be needing it for her exam anyway.So,giving a slightly better exam doesn't hurt at all!But then,the most weird thing happened.She missed HIM.HE was supposed to take their class today.When she reached the institute,HE wasn't there.Another teacher took the first class.She kept hoping that the next class would be HIS but HE never came.She actually spent an hour last night writing an essay to make HIM believe that she was more than 'just another wannabe blogger'.She sneaked out of her class twice to see if HE had come.Saying 'sir,I need to pee' more than twice in a three-hour class in front of twenty five other people felt odd.She waited for almost half an hour after the class was over,hoping HE'd stop by and apologize to the receptionist saying HE 'had some business that made him late already.Then he got stuck near Camac Street and was sorry for being so terribly late'.Then HE'd ask the front desk girl how her trip was and how her mom was doing.Then,HE'd look at her and say,with mock surprise,'You're still here?I thought your class was over.'And she'd say,'I had to see you.'But nothing happened.After half an hour,the receptionist came to her and asked if she needed something.'I need to submit this to sir.He isn't coming today,is he?',she asked,showing her essay.'I'm afraid he won't be here today.He has another class to attend.',replied the girl.'Will you please be kind enough to give it to him when you see him?',she requested.'My name is written in there.''Sure!',the receptionist said.She didn't miss a hint of sarcasm in her voice.Waiting for half an hour to submit an essay?Quite a student!
                                                                                                           Sometimes she pictures HIM saying,with one of those coy smiles of HIS,'What possible excuse can you have for such an absurd thought?'.
No,she won't be able to explain.She didn't love HIM,never has,never will.She didn't picture herself in HIS arms.She couldn't even imagine HIM holding her,stroking her face,pulling her locks away from her forehead,then,slowly breaking into a passionate kiss.She DID try to imagine these things a number of times but she never saw any specific face during these fantasies.A blurry face came in front of her eyes which was anything but HIS.She saw herself with someone tanned,rough,tall,temperamental,artistic,cruel,troubled...Not with a courteous dreamer with a chiming voice,perfect British accent,branded tees and pink lips.She has been through enough in her twenty something life to know that she DID not have feelings for HIM.HE was just a very good teacher and they shared a great chemistry.Maybe calling HIM a teacher would be unfair because HE was anything but a teacher.But was it even possible to develop such a close bonding in such a short time,and most importantly,with almost no personal interaction?How can someone be so influential that HE''d change your life upside down without even properly talking to you,once?If she knew the answer,she'd have been home by eight p.m.She won't have had to wait in the dark library for half an hour,pretending to read those news on 'The Telegraph' that she knew by her heart.

UMBRELLA LOVE...

I've not still got over the shock of the premature death of my yellow pumps.Still mourning...But I discovered an excellent way to keep the shoe-rapists at bay! Not that I discovered it or something,I always knew it but was too embarrassed to actually do it.But better embarrassed than sorry,right?So,today I wore my pink pumps(I don't think I'll ever be able to get out of my 'color' phase)to college.But I carried my shit slippers in my bag too.Slipped into them before boarding the train and then changed again after getting down.Saved my shoes and my mood.Yes,I did draw a few glances(sarcastic,judgmental or plain curious-they were all there) but I couldn't care less.You must know by now that I carry the rest of the world in my bags.So,carrying an extra pair of slippers shouldn't be a problem.
                                                                                                                        Also,there's something about dull weather that makes me want to wear yellow like nothing else.So,completing my yellow week,I wore a yellow belt today.The college session was better than yesterday.Our tech fest was going on.There were a lot of competitions though I didn't take part in any.I'm also getting better with relationship counseling.So many alternative career options popping up every now and then!Hopefully my life'd be equally awesome even if I don't make it to any company or any B school by February,2012.:P

                                                                                                                                  I've a lot to do tonight.I've to write another essay for that 'a little too fair but cute verbals teacher with pink lips',if you remember.And I also have to work on a project report.So,I'll leave you with the pictures and let them do all the talking.But be prepared for my 'serious' and 'meaningful' posts again because I'm gonna do one within Monday for sure.

Dear five or seven years old kid in the metro,please don't stand on my shoes,it's suede and expensive,way more expensive than that of your mom's!Aaaaaaaarghhhhh!

A simple pair of yellow pumps has magic powers.It can pull you out of any frustration under the sun!Incorporate a little yellow in your wardrobe and trust me,the world seems to be a better place! I've the yellow kolhapuri all right(if you don't remember it,click here and here to have a look) but I had a pair of yellow pumps on my mind since,like forever! So,when I got this beauty in Simpark Mall a week back,I didn't think twice before taking it home.I've been waiting to wear it since then.Finally,I wore it to college today.The day was a total waste though.I was supposed to collect the affidavit form(where my parents are supposed to give a written statement that I won't rag any junior,only then will I get my sixth semester report card) from the exam cell which I couldn't because the teacher who was supposed to be in Web Technology lab,giving out forms,was actually 'busy' at Axis Mall,'enjoying himself' at the fest.Yeah,my college is finally organizing a fest.But I'm not attending since I've a hell lot of studying to do.Go ahead and call me a nerd.I hate myself too.Anyway,so,I went to Haldirams and had one of the best 'dahi phuchkas' of my life! And then,I treated myself to a plate of healthy (and feel good) idli.Hundred bucks for all these isn't too much,right?All was well until I boarded the metro and a very considerate crowd raped my shoes!I hate people who think just because it's a crowded train,they can do whatever they wish-groping a girl half their age,standing on someone else's shoes as if they were his/her cushions,attacking someone else's bag with their umbrellas. I've always traveled in public transport but I don't remember causing any discomfort to anyone,ever! My clothes and shoes and bags and nail paints and everything else are important for me.So,I understand that other people must love theirs too.And I take my best efforts to make sure that I'm not the reason of someone's 'wardrobe malfunction'.I wonder why people can't have the minimum manners. This kid was practically taking a walk on my shoes and when I asked him to get down,in the most polite way possible and his rich,fat,salwaar kameez-clad mom with a bad taste and bad breath hurled every possible curse on me! And,to my surprise,most of the 'ladies' around actually supported her! And that's how my poor little yellow pumps died a premature death,by a monstrous seven years old.*two minutes silence*

Anyway,luckily I captured its beauty on my lenses long before it said 'good bye' to me.Now I regret not taking more pictures.Thought would share the only proof of its existence.Otherwise,maybe,years later,people would actually refuse to acknowledge how beautiful it used to be,once upon a time!
P.S.My mom says I look WAY fatter in this top than I actually am and I agree with her.But I simply fell in love with it and haven't recovered ever since.You see,they don't say 'love is blind' for no reason.;-)
And all those who're sick of my black denims,please,don't ditch my blog for them.I'm looking for a pair of red ones.Just haven't found any in my budget yet.