Waking up to dream and nightmare,at the same time!

Here comes a feeling you thought you had forgotten.
Uneasy,clumsy.
Drifting into sleep and back to half-consciousness.
A face,a smile,a pair of curious yet non-judgmental eyes.
Never accuses me,never hates me,never demands an explanation.
That's why it's killing me.


This lump in my throat,hard to describe,
hard to swallow,
hard to vomit.
Just big enough to register its presence.
Maybe in its nascent stage now,
but I've a funny feeling that it'll grow bigger
and engulf my whole world some day.
Like a black shadow of some dark past,
carefully hidden but never really destroyed.


Guilt maybe?
Ah,that sounds mainstream,finally!
I'm feeling GUILTY.

This post is inspired from Fantabulous February-day eleven by Kanika on her blog Sensitive Chaos.I'm LOVING Fantabulous February! Join us and make it a success(not to suggest that it isn't a success already,:P).

On a somewhat different note,I've a good news to share with you all.Terence sir is finally bringing his ABCD(Any Body Can Dance) workshop level-I to Kolkata! I've been waiting for this workshop for a long,long time now! In fact,it was one of the most important reasons behind applying to B schools in Mumbai. I couldn't have woken up to a better news! Looks like 'Fantabulous February' is going to extend itself into 'Memorable March'.I felt a little bad when I couldn't go to DID auditions this time.My campus placements were going on back then.It's not about being selected,you know.It's about meeting so many like-minded people,it's about being a part of that infectious energy and contributing to it somehow. After that tragedy,this workshop provides me with a perfect opportunity to relive those dreams of mine.The workshop is basically on Indian contemporary and bolly hop.Bolly hop,I'm not so interested in.I've never really been a hip hop person but I can't wait for the Indian Contemporary classes!There's just the wee bit of doubt though.My semester is supposed to start in April.The workshop will be over by 8th April.So,if it clashes with my semester,...:-(
                     But I'd rather be optimistic

If you're in Kolkata too and would like to be a part of this workshop,call 89610 03425/03426/03427 or send a mail to danceworkshop2012@gmail.com.Registration venues- Shri Shikshayatan School and City Centre 1,Saltlake.
                         I was so happy that I decided to share these old pictures with you! These were taken at the Kolkata book fair.I had planned to do a post on the book fair and use these pictures over there but like I complained on Facebook and Twitter,I find Kolkata book fair losing its charm slowly but steadily ever since it shifted to Milan Mela from Maidan.These days,it looks like a family outing and DOES NOT inspire me at all! I love books anyway.So,I'll keep going there as long as I'm in Kolkata but it's just not worth blogging about.
                                                          The blouse was a b'day gift from my cousins.I love the happy blue! Couldn't think of a better colour than red to wear it with.I threw the yellow shrug on to maximise the effect.I'm still not over colour blocking,you see! And added the tan bag and nude pumps to balance the colours.
                                                                                                                                                   Hope everyone is having a great weekend.XOXO.

Turning 22

Is it too late to share my b'day stories(and pictures)?Probably yes but a girl can hope,right?*Wink*
Okay,so,here goes my 'official' b'day post.I'm sorry I couldn't post earlier in spite of getting a few requests on Facebook.I officially turned 22 on 2nd Jan.Kind of sucks because I LOVED being a member of the 'forever 21' club!Just didn't know 'forever' isn't,well, 'forever' for everyone.*Tears and sobs*
                                                                                            There's nothing wrong with getting old.I just have an uneasy relationship with even numbers.Even when I was a kid,I won't take two chocolates for anything!It'd always have to be one or three.But more on that later.
                                                                               I was going through a hell lot of inner conflicts since the last week of Dec(though it's been resolved now,thanks to something I said by mistake!). That made my b'day a lot less fun than it was supposed to be.My friends DID try their best to cheer me up-showering me with gifts,making me laugh in the lamest way possible,talking some sense into my thick head...but that's the thing about this stupid heart of ours.We've to let it run its natural course.And then,automatically,it stops hurting.
                                                                                                                                             Anyway,I took my friends to China town for lunch.Then we went to Victoria memorial and then three of us stayed back for another friend of mine who was coming from college.Thought would share some pictures.

At Oly pub,in the evening

At China town,for lunch

We stopped by Baskin Robbins for ice cream

The only decent looking piece of my b'day cake

                                                                                                            On a parting note,something to stay true to my dark self,
"I never knew living was this painful.
I thought I had seen all the darkness in your womb.
I thought the world held no surprise to me at all!
Little did I know I was yet to live."                           

Final solution

Yes.yes,yes,shopping always does it to me.No matter what happens to me,no matter what miseries life present me with,I can proudly say that shopping SOLVES IT ALL! ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! Yes,a Jhumpa Lahiri book does too but that's different.Most of the time,it makes me cry and washes all the pain away.It's the easiest detox possible.But you need a room,quiet surroundings(no parents to shout,"E ki,baban kadcho keno?Rough translation-what happened,why're you crying?),no work,no skincare regime to follow,no outfit posts to take care of(In fact,the lesser you get out of home,the better)...only then,it might work.On the other hand,shopping is the easy way out.Dress up in the comfiest clothes possible and SHOP TILL YOU DROP.A few clicks in between and bam!Was I upset?Really?
                                                                                            Christmas plans...ummm...I'll probably have the GD-PI class at IMS since the post-CAT torture session is kick starting from this Sat.I'm not complaining though.I've missed Sanket sir,A LOT!And it's time I get to lust after him,again. The class will be over around 4 or 4:30.Then I might go to the Park Street carnival and if things go according to our plan,I might have alcohol breath on my way back.I've not had a single drink since July!Give me some credit,people!And 'make your own cake' plan is very much on.Will do it on 24th and if it turns out decent,will share a picture over here too.Merry Christmas to all of you in advance.Have a great weekend ahead.Love.

And then frustration took over...

                                                     Are you a reality,are you a dream?
                                                                         
                                                     Why do you keep haunting me?
                                                                         
                                                      Aren't you done torturing me?
                                                                 
                                                      Or you need more?

                                                      Tell me then,surrender comes easy.

                                                      This is what I'm used to.

                                                      It's the wins I lose track of.

                                                      You tempt me,promise to stay,

                                                      and then you leave...again and again

                                                      I'm sick of this game...

                                                     Why can't you be gone,for once and for all?

                                                     Why do you give me these breaks between the sadistic sessions?

                                                     Why am I not allowed to just shut my eyes tight,take a deep breath
                                                   
                                                      AND

                                                      get done with it?

                                                      Dancing around telling people

                                                      that I'm too good to be an assistant engineer

                                                      and I'm meant to be one of those H.R. guys who interviewed us
                                
                                                      and then not clearing the exams is humiliating enough,

                                                      why're you still not satisfied?

                                                      If you have an answer,

                                                      you know where to find me.

Can it get any simpler than this?

I've always loved fashion.But at the same time,I've never been comfortable with all the complications it gives birth to.Life is enough complicated already.Why make it more complicated?Having said that,a grand Sabyasachi piece or a Marc Jacobs jacket never fails to amaze me.Just the fact that someone put in so much thought and effort into a single piece of garment is highly inspirational for me.I stare at it and stare at it and still can't have enough of it.But when it comes to my own wardrobe,I prefer simple,clean silhouette with minimal designs.I DO have fun with prints sometimes but then I keep the other things as simple as possible.And believe me,whoever sang that song 'Serve me potatoes and mashed tomatoes,give me the simple life'(I might not have written all the lyrics correctly,I don't remember it all.So,feel free to rectify it),was a genius.You get the happiest moments of your life out of the simplest things.As far as I'm concerned,I DID get the job I was SO not looking forward to! Though I've no idea how.If I'm THAT good at hiding my real emotions,life'd have been much simpler by now.But I can't deny one thing-getting a job DOES feel pretty great.I've a few very close friends who didn't get in in spite of being deserving and when I see them roaming around the campus with an empty expression,I can't help thanking God for not making me face it.I think I'm pretty strong but maybe it's time for a reality check.Anywho,my Pujo shopping isn't over yet and I can't find the red denims in my size(and within my budget).Looks like ALL the pairs of my size sold out in the few weeks while I was busy 'getting a job'.*Wipes tears*
I'm spending a lot of time(over phone)with an ex-friend.We haven't talked to each other for three years and there's a lot to catch up on.He's one of the best persons I've ever known and by far,he's the only guy to have liked me for the person I'm.Everybody else had some issues with me or the other and though they loved me too,they wanted to change me which I wasn't comfortable with.Talking to him is easy but it's really hard to figure things out with a long lost friend.I just hope I don't do anything I might regret later.

And for all those who're wondering why the 'cute but a little too fair Verbals teacher with pink lips and a perfect British accent' doesn't feature in my posts any more,fret not.I'm still smitten by him.It's just that I get to see him at 8 a.m. on Sunday and I'm not in my best mood before 12 p.m.So,we've not been having the best time together.But I really hope that'll change once we start having English workshops on Sat too.And I've officially taken one more step forward in screwing CAT.My exam is on 25th Oct and I still don't know a thing!So,dreams of studying H.R. are already,well,a dream.Anyway,much about my boring life.Will try to make the next post more 'meaningful' and interesting.Till then,I'll leave you with the pictures I took in front of Emami Plaza,Lord Sinha road.For all the non-Kolkatans,the 'gola' and 'chaat' are LEGENDARY over there!The 'phuchka' isn't bad too.I went to visit a doctor near Shakespeare Sarani and thought I should drop by.I've not been there for a few months.And how yummy does my icecream look,huh?Though technically it's not mine because the friend of mine bought it but I DID have it!And we also got our money back after having half of it because it didn't taste the way 'it was supposed to'.*Wink*

Of weird confessions and sweetheart uncles

It all started a month ago.You see,I've always been a little uneasy eating in front of someone else.Except for desserts,maybe.Because it is sexy and classy.Eating everything else in front of others made me feel so tongue-tied.I always thought that with my already not-so-small face,I must look like a vulture gulping things down.Whenever I wanted things to be romantic,I kept food out of the picture.Coming back to the original story,I've been having these long classes(six hours,sometimes even nine)for a few months now.My mom,being the good ol' homely and caring mom she is,packs me a sandwich,noodles or curries for lunch.But the thing is that I just don't know how to eat without getting ketchup,crumbs or gravy on my lips.And sometimes it's a little too spicy and I wipe my tears off with my left hand and make my kohl a little grainy and soggy.And if I go to the washroom carrying my bag after that,all these nerds of the class throw me such judgmental glances!As if I'm going to lose my virginity in the washroom and they'll tweet about it the moment I'm out of the room!So,I come up with this awesome plan.I reach half an hour early,leave my lunch box,breath mint,hand sanitizer,kohl,sunscreen,compact,lip balm,comb and tissue behind the sink,where no one else could see it and attend the class.Then,during the break,I go to the washroom(without anything in my hand so that these bitches think that it's normal and I'm not going to pile on more make up on my face),have my lunch,touch up my kohl and all and come back to class.After the classes are over,I go back to washroom(with my bag.Since the classes're over now,I won't leave the bag in the class,would I?),get my stuff and come back like nothing happened.If anyone asks me why I’m not having lunch these days,I just tell them that I’ve been trying to lose a few pounds lately.Initially,having lunch in the washroom grossed me out.I couldn't sleep at night.Then I got oddly comfortable with it.And you thought you knew ALL the weird stuff in the world!
                                                                                      Why am I telling you all these,you might ask.Well,the truth is that I've not yet gathered up enough courage to tell anyone about it.Now,a few of my friends and my family DO read my blog once in a while.So,I'm expecting them to come up to me and start with,'How could you?Come on!That's so weird!And gross!' or something like that.But I really wanted to share it with someone to get the burden off my shoulders.And what better audience than you people?Feel free to judge me.I myself am not that convinced of my normalcy anymore.

                                                                                                                                 On a brighter note,say 'hello' to my brand new pumps!I got them from Shreeram Arcade,thanks to my very considerate 'chhotomama'!I've not worn them properly yet.I did give them a trial run but it didn't end well,thanks to the unpredictable weather.I'm planning to wear them on Friday.Will try to get more pictures to share with you all.And my placement is on 19th September,the next Monday,that is.Please pray for me,will you?I really need ALL the luck in the world to save my sorry ass!