Too mushy to love

For the people of our generation,V day seems to be one of the most important occasions! I,for one,have never been a huge fan of it.I'm not opposed to the idea of celebrating love but the way it's been commercialized and reduced to a joke saddens me.Gone are the days when love used to be about writing a heartfelt letter.Now it's strictly business.Now it's a cut-throat competition among peers to show your 'love' in the most expensive,innovative,standout way.What the heck?I'd rather call it showing off.
                                                                                                                     Back in my early teenage,I used to be pretty excited about V day.I spent most of my school life dating someone or the other(Yes,I dated throughout the school and remained single in these three years in college). When I was thirteen,V day meant going to a telephone booth and calling him.When I was fifteen,V day meant making a card for him and sending it through messengers.When I was eighteen,V day meant saving money for buying his favorite deo or after shave lotion.But mostly,it was about doing something but never getting anything in return.I wasn't even lucky enough to see them make an effort.My second boyfriend got me a bouquet with dried out flowers because he got to know from my friends that I was going to get him his favorite deo and a card double the size of his chest.
                                               I used to be really hurt back then.All my friends used to get cards,flowers(like,real flowers),chocolates,personalized coffee mugs from their boyfriends and I was the only one,neglected and taken for granted.But when I finally started growing up,I realized what a favor they had done me.They showed me the reality in stead of allowing me to get lost into a make-believe world.Because as soon as the mascara wears off,no one gives a rat's ass about your eyes,lips and heart.Over the years,I not only forgave them,I kind of grew fond of them,in my own sick way.
                                                                                                    Please don't think this is the space a hopelessly single twenty two year old uses to pour all her frustrations out.I DO love love,just not the way we've got used to celebrating it.I DO believe in making the loved one feel special,just not the way the ad gurus advise us to.I couldn't hate the Hindutwavadis bullying couples celebrating V day more! But at the same time,if I ever find true love,I won't like to spend our days looking at red cushions that say,'I love you more than anything in the world.'

I've been wearing a lot of red lately.It was tough to find pictures with no red popping out.You've seen the dhoti pant before.I'm gonna wear it a lot more,so,you better get used to it.The clutch was a gift from my uncle.I always loved the shade of green but since I carry the whole world in my bag,I hardly got a chance to flaunt it somewhere.The kolhapuris are an old favorite too.I wore the bindi to make the whole look more feminine.
On a parting note,
I'll be gone,
long before I cease to matter,
still early enough to make the world ponder over the choices I made.

To sir,with love-part II

I stood there,sucking my finger,reliving the day,reaffirming to myself that it,indeed,was real.
I must've been there for a long time because when I looked back,you were gone.
The slightly acrid but intoxicating smell of your saliva had made me slightly delusional because what I saw,
could never have been true.
I saw you smiling,long after you were gone.
I saw you smiling,long after we chose our separate paths.
I saw you smiling,long after our destiny was decided.

I don't ask for happy endings,sir.
Pain is all I'm used to.
Memories are all I've got.
Memories are all I've always wanted.
The good ones,the bad ones,
the ones we chose to forget,
only to be resurrected again.
I cherish them all,sir.
Because this is all I got.

I don't ask for perfect kisses,sir.
Suppressed desires are what I'm most comfortable with.
Deep,dark,desirous,
shy of light,
shy of truth,
that's where I reside in.
May I be there forever.

I don't ask for social recognition,sir.
Shame is all I've been holding on to.
Acknowledgement has never been my thing.
Buried but not forgotten,
that's the best I can aim for.

I don't ask for your heart,sir.
I know my limits.
I want to be there in bits and pieces.
I want you to remember me when you're high.
I want you to remember me at those very dark moments,
when I'm your only refuge.
Because angels can get you only as far as light goes.
Beyond the darkness,beyond the silence,
is where I stand.
Demon is your saviour,sir.
 You were a sinner to begin with.

P.S.I've wanted to wear this blouse with this yellow shrug since,like forever!And this 'jooti' is a b'day gift from a friend.The tattoo was supposed to claim its place of pride in this space long ago but I was too lazy to take a decent picture!And then,when someone else did,I wasn't ready to post it.It seemed unfair to share it with the world(the virtual world,to be precise since my family and friends had already seen it) before the one who matters gets to see it.He finally saw it today.Expected him to react more strongly though.This is NOT what I wore today.Today was so personal that I thought it'd be an insult to use a camera to capture the moments!My life is an open book all right but some pictures are never meant to be shared.

One heart too many?

Right from the childhood,I've not been good at saying 'no'.I don't know why,I just can't bring myself to saying those two dreaded letters!And it gets tougher for me when it's a friend I'm talking about.My astro forecast on the 2nd of Jan,2011 said that I've 'ample romantic opportunities' this year but Kusum Bhandari failed to mention that it'd be an emotional turmoil for me rather than fun.Proposals kept coming in,one after another.It was easier saying a rude 'no' to strangers('Not friends' are basically strangers for me)but then things kept getting more personal.A long-lost friend came by and I almost ruined his relationship with his current girlfriend and then the weirdest thing happened.A friend I've known for years conveyed his feelings for me.It came out of nowhere.I used to pull his leg but I never thought he might have enjoyed it.In fact,I thought he always resented me.He was innocent,hopeful and naive.Looking at his face,burning bright with hope,with beads of excited sweat on it and saying the cruel word wasn't easy.I kept trying to avoid the topic but he won't let go.Sometimes I think it's just me.I've such a hypothetical concept set in my mind that nobody,absolutely nobody would fit it.Well-read,sensitive,understanding,intellectual...the list never ends.But the worst part is that I've had relationships like these.They didn't last long but it left its lingering taste in me.I know what I'm looking for.I know it exists.But the search is just taking too long.I also hate the way I'm losing grip over words.I feel dark circles all around my fingers and mostly,I feel tired.Almost as if I've said too much.Reminds me of one of those good ol' country English short stories with a lady in gloves,plaited skirt and stick,sitting by the window all day long...I feel old.And I feel I've not lived enough.And nothing makes me that happy any more.But there're exceptions.A beige blazer DOES lift my mood up,even if for a few hours.I had a lot of meaningful posts planned.But with exams round the corner,I just don't get much time.Maybe after 8th Jan,I'll do a post that'll be worth all the wait,and the delay.Till then,good for nothing posts with a few pictures it is.

Can it get any simpler than this?

I've always loved fashion.But at the same time,I've never been comfortable with all the complications it gives birth to.Life is enough complicated already.Why make it more complicated?Having said that,a grand Sabyasachi piece or a Marc Jacobs jacket never fails to amaze me.Just the fact that someone put in so much thought and effort into a single piece of garment is highly inspirational for me.I stare at it and stare at it and still can't have enough of it.But when it comes to my own wardrobe,I prefer simple,clean silhouette with minimal designs.I DO have fun with prints sometimes but then I keep the other things as simple as possible.And believe me,whoever sang that song 'Serve me potatoes and mashed tomatoes,give me the simple life'(I might not have written all the lyrics correctly,I don't remember it all.So,feel free to rectify it),was a genius.You get the happiest moments of your life out of the simplest things.As far as I'm concerned,I DID get the job I was SO not looking forward to! Though I've no idea how.If I'm THAT good at hiding my real emotions,life'd have been much simpler by now.But I can't deny one thing-getting a job DOES feel pretty great.I've a few very close friends who didn't get in in spite of being deserving and when I see them roaming around the campus with an empty expression,I can't help thanking God for not making me face it.I think I'm pretty strong but maybe it's time for a reality check.Anywho,my Pujo shopping isn't over yet and I can't find the red denims in my size(and within my budget).Looks like ALL the pairs of my size sold out in the few weeks while I was busy 'getting a job'.*Wipes tears*
I'm spending a lot of time(over phone)with an ex-friend.We haven't talked to each other for three years and there's a lot to catch up on.He's one of the best persons I've ever known and by far,he's the only guy to have liked me for the person I'm.Everybody else had some issues with me or the other and though they loved me too,they wanted to change me which I wasn't comfortable with.Talking to him is easy but it's really hard to figure things out with a long lost friend.I just hope I don't do anything I might regret later.

And for all those who're wondering why the 'cute but a little too fair Verbals teacher with pink lips and a perfect British accent' doesn't feature in my posts any more,fret not.I'm still smitten by him.It's just that I get to see him at 8 a.m. on Sunday and I'm not in my best mood before 12 p.m.So,we've not been having the best time together.But I really hope that'll change once we start having English workshops on Sat too.And I've officially taken one more step forward in screwing CAT.My exam is on 25th Oct and I still don't know a thing!So,dreams of studying H.R. are already,well,a dream.Anyway,much about my boring life.Will try to make the next post more 'meaningful' and interesting.Till then,I'll leave you with the pictures I took in front of Emami Plaza,Lord Sinha road.For all the non-Kolkatans,the 'gola' and 'chaat' are LEGENDARY over there!The 'phuchka' isn't bad too.I went to visit a doctor near Shakespeare Sarani and thought I should drop by.I've not been there for a few months.And how yummy does my icecream look,huh?Though technically it's not mine because the friend of mine bought it but I DID have it!And we also got our money back after having half of it because it didn't taste the way 'it was supposed to'.*Wink*