The real thanksgiving

Dear Maa Durga,
                           I hope you're doing well.I'd have sent you an e-mail but since our very own 'didi' took over,we seem to have gone back to the good ol' 'Akbar's zamana' where you don't have to care for any formalities.Justice is handed down instantly.Having issues with the local contractor?Catch the local M.P. jogging in the morning,describe the problem to him and he'll take care of it.Want to complain about the police taking bribe?Just be patient enough to wait until our honorable C.M. passes by Mallickbazaar crossing.Wave and she'll roll down the tinted glasses and will give you a fair hearing.Your problems'll be solved instantly.So,I thought an open letter might be more appropriate given the situation.Well,you might ask why I'm writing this letter.No specific reason.It's just that we've not really been in touch.So,never got to tell you some things I was supposed to,long back.First of all,thank you for never judging me for not being a 'believer'.You held yourself with a lot of dignity as if my opinion about you couldn't matter less.I was kind of impressed,I must say.I'm pretty selfish.I guess you know that by now.You were everywhere!Still I never bothered to drop by and say 'hi' but whenever I was in trouble,I remembered you all right.Even then,you held your composure.You helped me when you could.Otherwise,just declined me politely.Never mind the abuses I hurled at you thereafter.But you know what,it's not that I've always hated you.You and I used to share a pretty good bonding almost fifteen years back,remember?I really used to look forward to your arrival back then.But like every other relationship,over the years,it got a little sour with my bad boyfriends,family complications etc.
                                                                                                                                     While we're in catching up mood,let me give you a synopsis of how my life has been,in the past few years.As you must know,I got into an Engineering college but turns out Engineering was a huge mistake.It's so not me!I started to take dancing more seriously with every passing day until we(me and Dance)had a huge fight and broke up.We're still on a break.I'm planning to give our relationship a try after February.And I started a blog and it has proved to be one of the most enriching hobbies I've ever taken up.Men haven't really got the better of me till now.But a boyfriend with a lot of knowledge about books,art,current affairs etc. would be nice.He must not be dominating.I so believe in equal relationships!And the sex should be liberating,neither 'Oh God,this is so wrong!I wish we hadn't done that' nor 'Oh,come on,why not tonight?Why does it have to be so special?And why do you think about everything so much?It doesn't hurt,trust me!We'll take it slow'.That's pretty much it.A little sense of humor won't hurt though.*Wink*
                                                        Anyway,much about my mundane life.How have YOU been?Still going strong with Shiv ji,huh?How're the kids?And don't tell me that you've not gained weight,all thanks to the king sized meals over here?Do you still wear those old fashioned saris with zari and elaborate jewelery?  Come on,get a makeover,no?I'm a huge fan of saris in traditional fabrics!But you could,you know,spice things up a little bit with maybe a statement neckpiece and keep the other things simple.Or you could wear the sari with a twist.You could give the petticoat a miss and try a churidar with it.Or wear it like a skirt,you know.And ditch the blouse for a boyfriend shirt or a velvet jacket.And it's high time you discover SHOES!For your look,you could try a Kolhapuri or Mojri for starters.Remember,people might try to mislead you with shit sandals in bright golden and silver with heels and all but say 'NO' to them straightaway.

                                                                                            Okay,you might stop freaking out.A styling session with you was so not on my mind when I started writing this!Have you ever heard of Thanksgiving,the American tradition?Well,the real Thanksgiving is months away!But since Durga Pujo is an amalgamation of all the festivals for us Bongs,I thought I won't get a better time to thank you for everything.I'm such a loser!What do I have,to be thankful for?You might ask.Well,I'm thankful because you never said it to my face.I'm thankful because you made me go through failure,again and again and still gave me enough strength to stand up and fight back.I'm thankful because you made people break my heart but still never made me stop believeing in love.I still trust people and I'm proud of it.I'm thankful that you made me bold enough to admit my mistakes and swear not to repeat them again.I'm thankful that you always showed me the silver lining when I was too tired to look for signs.I'm thankful that you never gave up on me.Here's to you-the mother of all!

I'm grateful

Dear M,
                                   I know I've not been so polite to you,always.I know you've better friends.But I really appreciate the fact that you're so blatantly honest with me! I love it when you say that you hated my take on the fusion of Kolhapuri and vintage blouse.I love it when you hate my orange bag.I love it when you call me 'disgusting' and 'asshole' without even thinking twice.I love it when you want to screw me.I'm not a good friend.I'll admit it.I hope you remember that I used to be a better person.It's just that I've gone through a lot and it's changed me forever.I don't expect you to understand.I don't even expect you not to be judgemental.I just want you not to hate me.You're really special for me.And I get to spend so little time with you anyway(because of my 'fucking busy schedule' only,I know)!The time we get to spend together,I want you all alone then.Is that really THAT terrible?But you DID make me realize that I might be better than this.Thank you for that.That really was a wake-up call.

Anyway,we visited most of the south Kolkata pandals today(except Mudiali,Badamtala and Shibmondir Sarbojonin because I'll visit them on Navami).These are the few pictures that kind of stayed with me.And I finally wore stripes.And red denims.The nude punp was there to balance it out.

Shashthi morning

And finally Pujo is here! Since I'm going to be really busy for the coming few days,there'll be less writing and more pictures in here.My BFF hasn't arrived yet,so,I went out with another friend today.We visited the Ultadanga pandals(Karbagan,Telengabagan,Gouribari etc.),Sreebhumi and Laketown pandals(Sreebhumi sporting,Adhibashibrindo etc.),Dumdum Park pandals(Tarun Dol,Jubak Brindo,Bharat Chakra etc.) and Saltlake pandals(FD,Laboni,AD,BD,AE,EC etc.).I wore a ruffled top with black denims and my favorite pink pumps.The yellow sling is also a weakness.I beg your pardon for looking like a slightly classier version of your 'kaamwali bai' but eight hours of walking in the scorching sun with dust and humidity as additional advantages,hopefully you won't judge me.Enjoy the pictures.There were 68 pictures in total.But Blogger won't let me upload all of them.So,gave a few.Will be back with more.Till then,take care and 'Shubho Durgotsav' to all of you!

Ya devi sarbabhuteshu shaktipupen sansthita...

Durga Pujo is here,well,almost here.And I thought it was a good time to go back to the old days,see how I've changed over the years...Durga Pujo isn't only a festival for us Bongs,it's a part of our life.No matter what social class you belong to,what financial condition you're in,what family problems you're facing...this is the time when we forget it all and enjoy like never before.When I was a kid,Durga Pujo meant getting pink frocks with matching headbands and visiting pandals with my parents.We almost always had a fight over what to eat and where to eat.My dad hated eating out(he still does).For him,it was a wastage of money.He hated roadside delicacies too because they were unhygienic.he didn't want me to have icecreams because they'd give me a cold.He didn't want me to have chocolates either because they weren't good for my teeth.So,as you see,we were left with almost no options.And my mom had a problem with everything I wore.The hemlines were too short,the colors were too bright,the fabrics were too sheer and I was too young to put on a little lipcolor and wear heels and so on.But still,when I finally went into the pandal and saw the idol,the 'dhaaki' playing the 'dhaak',people dancing with the 'dhunuchi',kids having fun with the fake pistols...all the fights just didn't matter.The emotion of the people never failed to touch me.I was amazed at the ability of the people to forget and forgive and celebrate as if nothing happened.When I was a little older,Pujo meant going to my uncle's place and pandal hopping with my cousins.Then,after a few more years,I started going out with my friends.Over the years,Pujo has changed its meaning for me.But I never stopped looking forward to it.I've had bad Pujos,when I was so depressed that I didn't get out of my place at all!But things came back to normal soon.This year's Pujo is a little weird.I've got a job and I reconciled with a long lost friend and I should be happy.But I'm far from happy! I've not finished my shopping yet,I've not made plans and I've finally realized that I don't have what it takes to crack CAT.My scores have marginally improved but my percentiles are nowhere near the cut off.That means everybody else is doing so much better than me and I don't stand a chance.I no more have Dance to escape from all problems.But I still haven't stopped hoping that everything will be allright once Goddess Durga is here.That's the thing about her-she IS hope.                              

Babubagan

Badamtala

Bharat Chakra

Jodhpur Park

Singhi Park

Tridhara Sangha

                                                                                                                          Anyway,since I won't be able to get pandal and idol pictures before Sunday,thought I'd share a few of my favorites from last year's Pujo.

Can it get any simpler than this?

I've always loved fashion.But at the same time,I've never been comfortable with all the complications it gives birth to.Life is enough complicated already.Why make it more complicated?Having said that,a grand Sabyasachi piece or a Marc Jacobs jacket never fails to amaze me.Just the fact that someone put in so much thought and effort into a single piece of garment is highly inspirational for me.I stare at it and stare at it and still can't have enough of it.But when it comes to my own wardrobe,I prefer simple,clean silhouette with minimal designs.I DO have fun with prints sometimes but then I keep the other things as simple as possible.And believe me,whoever sang that song 'Serve me potatoes and mashed tomatoes,give me the simple life'(I might not have written all the lyrics correctly,I don't remember it all.So,feel free to rectify it),was a genius.You get the happiest moments of your life out of the simplest things.As far as I'm concerned,I DID get the job I was SO not looking forward to! Though I've no idea how.If I'm THAT good at hiding my real emotions,life'd have been much simpler by now.But I can't deny one thing-getting a job DOES feel pretty great.I've a few very close friends who didn't get in in spite of being deserving and when I see them roaming around the campus with an empty expression,I can't help thanking God for not making me face it.I think I'm pretty strong but maybe it's time for a reality check.Anywho,my Pujo shopping isn't over yet and I can't find the red denims in my size(and within my budget).Looks like ALL the pairs of my size sold out in the few weeks while I was busy 'getting a job'.*Wipes tears*
I'm spending a lot of time(over phone)with an ex-friend.We haven't talked to each other for three years and there's a lot to catch up on.He's one of the best persons I've ever known and by far,he's the only guy to have liked me for the person I'm.Everybody else had some issues with me or the other and though they loved me too,they wanted to change me which I wasn't comfortable with.Talking to him is easy but it's really hard to figure things out with a long lost friend.I just hope I don't do anything I might regret later.

And for all those who're wondering why the 'cute but a little too fair Verbals teacher with pink lips and a perfect British accent' doesn't feature in my posts any more,fret not.I'm still smitten by him.It's just that I get to see him at 8 a.m. on Sunday and I'm not in my best mood before 12 p.m.So,we've not been having the best time together.But I really hope that'll change once we start having English workshops on Sat too.And I've officially taken one more step forward in screwing CAT.My exam is on 25th Oct and I still don't know a thing!So,dreams of studying H.R. are already,well,a dream.Anyway,much about my boring life.Will try to make the next post more 'meaningful' and interesting.Till then,I'll leave you with the pictures I took in front of Emami Plaza,Lord Sinha road.For all the non-Kolkatans,the 'gola' and 'chaat' are LEGENDARY over there!The 'phuchka' isn't bad too.I went to visit a doctor near Shakespeare Sarani and thought I should drop by.I've not been there for a few months.And how yummy does my icecream look,huh?Though technically it's not mine because the friend of mine bought it but I DID have it!And we also got our money back after having half of it because it didn't taste the way 'it was supposed to'.*Wink*

Just like that...

Oh,I almost forgot how it felt to accept an apology. For the record,it DOES feel great! Even now! And I finally think that I love the word 'no strings attached' so much that I might marry it by the time I turn thirty. It was invented for me only! It's like one of those slumber parties you don't have to buy gifts for but you still get to eat the best leftovers and watch the scariest movies. And I'm enjoying being a little cruel too. You see,I've been a nice girl all my life. So,I decided to get a makeover and be the devious vamp for a change. I'm incorporating subtle changes in my wardrobe too. But if I get bored soon,you won't even get to see my makeover! Because I've been really busy(and lazy)these days. So,didn't really get time for pictures. I DID carry my camera to places but I either forgot or wasn't allowed to click pictures. Anyway,Durga Pujo will be here any minute and I promise to make it up to you then. So,a lot of pictures are coming up. Also,my friend Moumita will be coming back to Kolkata too. She's obsessed with my camera. So,you need picture-less posts now to make sure that you're ready for the picture overdose. And I'm finally thinking of making my relationship status 'it's complicated' though I know people'll interpret it quite oppositely. But who cares?And I'm also thinking of getting a tattoo after passing out. Feel free to suggest designs,good studios in Kolkata,precautions,anything. Nothing like free advice. I'd really appreciate it.As of now,I'd leave you with a picture that means a lot to me.It's not related in any way to my post or maybe it is,in some way or the other. I just wanted to share it with you for a long time.I clicked it from a Park Street cemetery. I don't know why but I can look at it forever and still not have enough of it. It shows the blend of the old and the new,the emerging and the forgotten so beautifully!

We could've had it all...

I've read that people write their best when they're in pain. True. Pain is the creativity hormone. I've read some authors at their best when they were in pain(Virginia Wolf,Alice Walker). I guess pain opens the doors to our heart and we no more care to guard our secrets. I've always been a pain freak. I can't stand happiness for long. It just seems too frivolous. But pain has always been easier because I had someone to blame. But when the cause of your pain is the cause of your relief itself,you've no one to fall back on. And that's how 'she' emptied the luggage she had been carrying for three years.You all must be familiar with 'her' by now.She's dramatic,philosophical,complicated,thoughtful,stupid and probably every thing else.Really,there's almost no adjective apart from 'pretty' that doesn't suit her. It all started three years back.She met this guy who really liked her,who really cared for her and he was the only man she has ever met who loved her for what she was.He didn't want to change her.But like I said,'complicated' is her middle name.So,she messed up this seemingly perfect love story.Actually,now when I sit back and think,she probably wasn't in LOVE with him.But definitely,he was much,much,more than 'just another friend'.He was special from the very beginning.He was the only person who never hurt her.He treated her like a delicate flower,always careful,always tender.No,they didn't date.They just happened to share a very,very special friendship.And yes,I'll repeat,he was the only person who never hurt her.Until that night.What happened that night?Actually,nothing.Two people were talking over phone.One LOVED 'Slumdog millionaire',the other one didn't.You might have guessed by now who LOVED it and who didn't.He was saying that India has been shown in a poor light over there and they're earning money by basically showing the rest of the world an India that's not India at all,it's a part of India and they're projecting India as a glamorously poor country because rich people don't want to see movies on rich people.He was arguing that if Danny Boyle sees the poverty of 'Dharavi',then how come he doesn't see the wealth of Park Street?Has he not researched enough or did he just choose to ignore some of the outcomes of his research?And she was blindly defending the movie.She was saying how it worked for her.He said,'Maybe for you,not for me.'And he hung up and never called again.You see,the story isn't as simple as that.'Slumdog millionaire' hardly played a part in it.She had been trying to avoid him for a while.She had told him that her family didn't like him.So,she couldn't be friends with him which was completely untrue.She was just too scared to face herself,to come to terms with her own feelings.She liked him,undoubtedly.But she thought she didn't like him enough to give him her word.And he deserved better than an open relationship.There couldn't be a better excuse than family problem.Everything seemed to fall in place and he was gone,just like that.He cared for her way too much to create any problem in her family.He didn't even say good bye.She waited,waited and waited.She didn't know what she was waiting for.She didn't expect him to return.She didn't WANT him to return.She wanted him gone,for once and for all.She wanted him to meet someone else,get married and live happily ever after.But you see,people leave but the memories remain.It's easy to forget someone but it's not easy to forget how he made you feel,how he called you every night,how he came to meet you with flowers whenever you were ill,how he gave you a rose every day,hidden in a box so that no one could see(since they weren't dating,it might be embarrassing for her,he thought),how he always thought of you whenever he went anywhere and never forgot to bring a gift.He was a habit of hers.Being around him made her feel so safe!She was always her usual self,she never had to pretend to like anything or agree even if she didn't.So,she kept missing him.She was a little mad at him too.She didn't want to be the first one to go and break the ice.She knew he would never do that as well.He says he was ashamed of himself.He thought she hated him and didn't want to have anything to do with him.Years passed by.He met someone else,they fell in love and everything worked out perfectly.But he says he never forgot her.He kept track of her,always.She believes him.Life was going on fine.She was comfortable feeling a heady cocktail of hatred,anger,love,pain and indifference for him.He was comfortable being a good boyfriend to her girlfriend.Till he decided to make things normal and threw a passing comment at her.All hell broke loose.She couldn't control all that she had been holding up all these years.First she said something sarcastic,then she confronted him,then she cried.He tried to comfort her in every possible way but three years is a long time.And it feels longer when it's too late.She never thought it'd take her an innocent remark to realize how much he meant for her.But really,she still doesn't want a relationship.She knows it'd take all the charm out of it.It'd turn them into one of those plain couples.All the extraordinary passion would be gone.She has always been obsessed with pain.And pain never felt so beautiful,so peaceful.It's almost as if she wants to fall asleep so that pain can take care of her like a doting mother,wrapping her child in a blanket,making sure that her fingers aren't outside the blanket.She wants this pain to suck her in,like an Octopus,making sure not even the slightest of her tears spills over.And for the first time in three years,she feels alive.She hasn't felt this much for a while.There are so many emotions crowding her mind that she sometimes has to push them down.She just can't help one thing-wondering what would have happened if she had felt it back then and if she had been brave enough to acknowledge it and most importantly,say it out loud.Could they have had it all?But I guess that's a question she'll never get the answer of.And these uncertain feelings are what makes it so beautiful.And this is what will keep her creative juices flowing,hopefully.