Catching up...

Most of the bloggers are done with their new year posts and I'm struggling to catch up.Literally.
Sounds cliched but this new year DOES mark a new beginning for me.Embracing the new,moving on,not forgetting the old but learning to accommodate it comfortably in your heart.Not closing the door forever,just making sure it's locked so that the thieves can't break in.Stop fighting the tears and accept the fact that there's nothing shameful in crying instead.Stop calling when I know that the phone won't be answered.In fact,I don't want the phone to be answered.That'd be almost weird because I don't know what to say.I just got used to the way the ring sounds.
I've lived the saying 'you can never get rid of your past,no matter where you escape,it'll always catch up with you' throughout my precious little life,literally!I don't come from a background I'm proud of(except for my parents and the sacrifices they made for me)and I escaped from it all along but I just never wasn't fast enough.I lost all the 'catch me if you can' games.
Sometimes I DO feel like putting myself into God's shoes.You've heard about those cliched essays like 'what'd you do if you became a millionaire for a day' or 'what'd you do if you became God for a day' for sure.
People write bullshits like 'I want to put an end to the Iraq war' or 'I want every child to receive education' or something equally pretentious.
I'd like to see the way God sees my life,day in and day out.I could use a laugh or two.
In fact,my life does seem like a joke to me only.Funny even mentioning that I ever had a plan,to begin with.
I did everything I had vowed not to-I smoked,I had sex with people who were seeing someone else,I've cheated on people,I've been cheated on,I've jumped into relationships just because I wanted company,I've used people,I've been used,I lied to my mom,I missed dance classes,I kissed a girl.My life is one fucked up shit-full of lies that have been there for so long that I almost believe them now.
My verbals teacher says we should never end something on a pessimistic note.I nod politely,go home back and try to figure things out,always hoping for a better result.But I'm stuck at the same place every freakin' time!
By now,you must've got used to my ranting.I hope you don't look for mushy stories in my blog because I'm anything but sweet and life is anything but fair.
My facebook album containing my b'day pictures says 'Thank God I was born!',I'm thinking of changing it to 'How I wish I weren't born at all!'But it might not do justice to the happy pictures.
Yes,that's why I need shopping,that's why I need to go out so often,that's why I'll never get over masturbation and porns even if I don't 'access' them for a good many months.Because,at the end of it,I'm just a pseudo-soul.It's all empty down there.So fucking empty that it'll scare the shit out of most of you.
That's as far as Hank Moody can get me.Yes,I'd DIE to be Karen or pretty much anyone he fucks because I'm in love with the idea of being with a dysfunctional genius.
"Doing the right thing,feeling the right thing",God knows how long it's been since I sang that sweet little carol of mine.The idea was never to fall in love in the first place.And then,never to fall out of it.
Everybody wants that perfect fairytale ending.And trust me,it's scary when one fine morning,you find yourself loathing every happily ever after ending.You think life's easier when you start falling in love with your shit?Hardly so.
The thoughts and fantasies we're not proud of resides in the unconscious but why do they find refuge in the unconscious in the first place?Because the sane mind(the conscious,if you might) doesn't want them.
And you start smelling the real shit when the line between the two of them merges slowly.When you're so high that you don't know if you're tasting Champagne or pee!
I did have quite a few new year resolutions,in fact,it was a pretty long list.But I was just too lazy to post them.Or maybe they seemed too simple given the state of mind I was in.Maybe I'll post them,someday later.Just not in the mood today.Why do I've to stick to the rules this fucking world has made for me,right?
I'm my own boss!
P.S.I do have some happy pictures to share but this post was getting so angry that they didn't go very well for obvious reasons.Besides,Bloggers have some weird issues with the upload option.It's not working.Will try to post the pictures in the next post.Till then,take care.Love.